Sometimes, I feel like my brain has been hijacked.
Something (an photograph, an event, a place, an article of clothing, a hairstyle, a phrase) will trigger a memory that is unpleasant, and rapidly that memory morphs into something much larger and nastier than it was. Other times, one of those triggers will become something completely fictional (this is the case most of the time), and that completely fictional, unreal, untrue event will become my primary focus.
Like I said. Hijacked.
I struggle with my self worth a lot. If you've ever read my blog before, you know that all too well. I struggle with it more than anyone else I know...or at least, I'm more vocal about it than anyone else I know. I know that my inability to love myself for who I am, for the person God made me to be, is why I struggle with all these triggers. I let those real and imaginary things determine my own self worth, and since I don't think my self worth is worth very much, those real and imaginary things dictate how I feel...which is generally like poo.
I don't want to go off on a tangent about my self worth this time (well, anymore than I already have)... Rather, I wanted to write this blog because, to some degree or another, we all invent problems for ourselves. I invent problems with the way I look/act/am, with my relationship, with my husband's love for me (all of which are absurd), while other people invent other types problems for themselves. To a certain degree, I think it's part of human nature. But I also think that, once we're aware of this, we should actively seek to change our hearts and our minds in these matters. Hey, self, is this real or not real?
The world has enough problems (for us and those around us) without us inventing more.
At the end of the day, it's our job to choose what to believe about our own lives. We can believe the truths, or we can believe the invented parts, the tricks our brains play on us because of whatever issues we may have. We need to ask ourselves...I needy to ask myself, "Real or not real?"in all of these cases, and nine times out of ten, the problem, the issue, the big thing that's bringing me down, will cease to matter, because chances are (in my case anyway) it's not real. I have so many real things in my life...I think it's time to start focusing on those.
I was once asked by someone, "What do you get from holding on to this insecurity?" At first I was offended at the suggestion that I was choosing to be this miserable! Last week, on the way home from Lexington though, it hit me: it is a choice, yes, BUT, this insecurity of mine is a scape goat for my inability to handle certain stresses. I had 2 sick children, 1 of which was hospital bound and the other narrowly missing hospitalization. Fourteen million "what ifs" rang through my head and then I caught myself doing it: I'll just think about because I can handle that! And so I started analyzing the same ol' same ol' 6 ways from Sunday because it was EASIER to deal with than what was REAL! This is not to say that there haven't been things, people, and situations that haven't lent themselves to the fortification of my insecurity, but I have found that when those things aren't in play I kind of "need" my insecurity as a crutch to get through the difficult things I'd rather not deal with thereby using the not real to deal with the real. How's that for complete and total neuroticism?
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks to scripting, it removed an entire phrase thus making my post look like I can't write! It was supposed to read "I'll just think about (insert insecurity here) because I can handle that!"
ReplyDeleteVince tells me often that the only thing keeping me from loving myself is myself, and the only thing that keeps the past a part of our present is me choosing to hold onto it.
DeleteI think you're right. It's easier for us to hold onto those things, and focus on those things, because despite how damaging they are, we're comfortable there. We know the ins and outs of being there...being away from there...being confident that our husbands love us and that we're worth something is where we're uncomfortable.
I'm ready to be uncomfortable. Aren't you?
<3
Woo Hoo Linz! I love you honey! Life is a series of little (and big) growth spurts...I love this and I love you
ReplyDeleteI love this Wug. Awesomeness.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Blue. It may sound silly, but it was like an epiphany! That's not to say bingo bango, things are perfect in my little brain now...but, it's a start! Love you.
DeleteI think though our cases are a little different. Don't take this wrong, but, your situation hasn't been fortified by others. So you can totally ditch it and it's gone. If I ditch MY part of it, the reality is there are still other contributing factors that still exist and THAT makes it difficult for me because I can't then COMPLETELY ditch it - it's still there to that degree. Is that clear as mud? LOL
ReplyDeleteEvery situation is different, and every person is different...I guess my point was, regardless of anyone else, of anything else, WE get to choose our outlook, and what we focus on. No one, and noTHING can do that for us...unless we let it.
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