Series

The following three posts are three things I wrote with lots of time in between. I wrote the first one a few years ago, because a boy broke my heart. And the second, because I was lonely. And the third, which I wrote tonight, is because my relationship with God is what is finally taking center stage in my life (at least, I want it to). I read them together, and realized just how active God has been in my life, and in the lives of the people around me. I realized just how beautiful his works are, and how beautiful his teachings are.

I apologize for being so wordy. =]

P.S. I put the most recent one first, so that if you only want to read a bit, you'll read that one.

The Girl

3

The girl walked. She walked and walked. And every now and again she would stop, and talk with people, or talk and experience things with people. And some of those stops, she stayed for a while, and built relationships with people. And she built relationships with boys and men, time and time again, and each time things were beautiful and magical and surreal until a certain point. And at that certain point things would go sour, and her cracks would begin in her heart.

They would start small, hairline fractures, that were almost unnoticeable other than the dull ache somewhere between her spine and ribs. Then, those fractures would start to grow, to spiderweb like a windshield after a rock hit it, until the glass, the heart, shattered. And these boys, they walked away seemingly unscathed. And the girl would lie broken in the mud, hoping she could die.

But each time, no matter how far she had fallen, no matter how much of her skin was coated with mud and no matter how many scratches she had, bleeding without stopping, He was there to pick her up, and wash her off, and carry her to safer ground. Sometimes, she would cry out to him as she fell, and he would catch her and carry her. Others, she didn't even see Him there until she was clean and safe and bandaged. And in her safe place, in her confusion, she saw Him there, waiting to hold her hand and walk with her for as long as she would let Him.

Now, it's been years. And now, she's been walking, and falling, and walking, and falling for so long that it feels like a circle. And yet, each time, He is there to hold her, to carry her, to save her, to help her. Now, finally, she is beginning to see. In the beginning, now, she goes to Him before she goes to a boy. Now, she struggles to say, "Lord, I want You first. I want You most. I want You in my heart, and in my life." She struggles to say this, because while He is perfect and beautiful and always always there, He isn't tangible. And the boys, the men, they are. But she still struggles, she reaches, she tries to reach upward, she tries to keep her eyes on the one who loves her more than any man ever can. And each day, it feels like climbing uphill without shoes. And each day, she reaches a point when she is allowed to rest and He says, "See, daughter. See how things can be with us? And I'm sorry you have to make this climb. And I'm sorry you have to hurt. But I see how this is shaping you. And I see how you are growing. And I love you. And I am here, walking with you. Each step, each twisted ankle, each broken bone, I feel with you. But when you reach the top of this mountain, when you reach the pinnacle, think of how much stronger you will be."

The girl kept walking, kept climbing, kept reaching and looking toward the peak. And in those moments when she had to rest, when she rested without that calm, in those moments when she screamed and cried to Him, begging for help, for relief, He was there. He gave her the tools she needed to patch her hurts until she reached the next plateau. He gave her the courage to keep going, even when things were so dark she couldn't see. He gave her the strength to put one foot in front of the other no matter how much it hurt.

And when she wanted to give up, no matter how painful things were, she would remember the prize at the end. She would remember why she was climbing. Not for a boy. Not for a man. Not for a tangible, fleeting goal. But because His love was being poured into her, and she wanted more than anything to pour that love back.

The Girl

1

And the girl had been looking for the boy for her entire life. In every boy she met, she stared into his eyes and wondered "Are you the one that was made for me?" And each day that she didn't find the boy, she lost hope. Until one day she fell to her knees, and cried out to the Lord.

And God spoke to her and said, "I see you searching the entire world for the boy I made for you. But there is a better way. I made a path, just for you, and I've lit it brightly, so that you no longer have to search in the dark. And you may see the road and see its length and be discouraged, but if you stay on this path, on this path that I made for you and only you, not only will the boy be there to walk part of it with you, but you will find Me in every turn."

The Girl

2

But again, because the girl was a human girl, because the girl was flawed, she forgot and lost sight.

And when the girl was alone and all her hope was gone she turned her eyes to the sky and screamed. She screamed her hurt. She screamed her pain. She screamed until her face was wet with sweat and tears and her muscles trembled likes leaves in the wind.

She screamed out to God – a single long wail like the howl of a wolf. She felt like she was dying. In that scream she begged God to help her. To save her. To fix her. She begged Him to show her how to live again.

She looked up into the sky with a throat raw like tenderized meat and saw a cloud lined in golden light. It hurt to look at, but she didn’t look away. The cloud was moving slowly and she knew that if she kept looking at that spot the sun would be uncovered and it would blind her.

At the last moment she closed her eyes and felt the sun’s heat on her face. She felt the wind on her skin. She felt the tiny drops of moisture drip off her chin and over her lips. She felt everything.

Her heart pounded in her chest, in her throat, in her fingers and the soles of her feet. Her pain was a burn over every inch of her skin.

With her closed eyes toward the sky she fell to her knees and clutched her hands to her stomach. She pressed her fists into her belly and sobbed, water from the grass soaked into her jeans, and the water from her soaked into the ground.

“Lord,” she cried, her voice cracking, “Father. Help me. I need you. I need you. I need you.”

“I am always here,” said the Lord. “I am here with you every time you smile. I am here with you every time you cry. Every breath. Every heart beat. Every hurt. I am always here with you.”

“If you’re here then why does this have to happen?” She pressed her fists into her eyes until it hurt. “Why do I have to go through this?”

“I know you’re hurting. I know you’re hurting. But I have a plan for you. I have a path for you. Fix your eyes on Me. I am always here. I am always here.

As if a blanket were placed over her shoulders the pain in her body was soothed. The pain in her heart dimmed.

“I trust you, Father.” She pulled her hands away from her eyes and let them adjust to the light. She sat again with her face toward the sky and let the sun dry her tears. She stood with damp knees. She stood into the evening with hope once again in her heart.

House of Cards

Matters of the heart are always more convoluted than they appear to be from the outside. There’s never a black and white, just shades of gray. We tend to think in rights and wrongs, rather than in layers, which is a shame. I mean, it’s easier to think that way, because the choices are more clear cut, but that’s just not how the world works. And when we begin to realize there are layers, we can start to feel bogged down. In my life, I try my hardest to see those layers, to see every possible angle and outcome, and while I’m more informed that way, I sometimes feel like I’m in limbo. And in limbo, minutes feel like hours, and hours feel like days.

I’ve noticed lately that when it comes to relationships (and I’m talking person-to-person relationships here, not necessarily romantic relationships), the ground never feels even. My footing is never sure. There are times when I feel secure and solid, but when it comes to dealing with people, things are always shifting and changing. Which is why, for EVERY relationship, I know to get through it without harm your foundation has to be God, and not that other person.

I say all of this because I tend to let my joy and my stability and my mood depend on the people around me, or the person I’m with. Whether it be a friend, a boyfriend, a family member, or a group of people, I base my emotions, my feelings, my mood, my thoughts, on other people. And I’m realizing slowly, oh so slowly, that the reason I always feel like my footing isn’t sure is because my base, my foundation, isn’t God, it’s people. The reason I maneuver myself into limbo, and get stuck there where everything feels like it’s dragging by through wet cement, is because my foundation isn’t what it should be.

I’m fairly certain that no matter what is going on in my life, no matter how happy I am, I can look over and see storm clouds brewing on the horizon. Even in my happiest moments, that threat has always and will always loom. Not that I’m saying I should be scared of that, or worried about it, but that that’s just what life is. Storms can be lethal, can be deadly, but if my foundation is God, then why would I worry about a storm? Or about people shifting and changing? If all of my trust, all of my hope, all of my faith is in God, then why should I fret?

Living on a foundation based on the people in my life is like living in a house of cards. Don’t get me wrong, the people in my life are beautiful, wonderful, amazing people that I can’t imagine living without, but they’re still real, flawed, people, like me. But if I depend on them for my stability, it’s possible that the slightest breeze can knock everything over. Now, if GOD is that base, then not only can I trust that my house, my foundation, my support, is secure, but I can trust that with a secure foundation, everything else will hold up just fine.

With God, all of those shades of gray, all of those moments where limbo is every looming, all of these things are suddenly manageable. They’re okay, because no matter what, my feet are steady, my heart is steady, and I know without a doubt that everything will be good, because God is there.