I Want to Be a Tree

16-year-old me.
I thought I was fat...

My whole life I've wanted nothing more than to be skinny. As a girl, and as an adult, being skinny was the ultimate accomplishment. The skinnier, the better, I thought.

After my 50 pound gain.
My expression is accurate.

I went away to college when I was 18, and about a year and a half later I stepped on a scale and realized I'd gained 50 pounds. I looked back at high school pictures and thought, "I didn't know that I looked like that when I looked like that!" 

Since then, over the last six or seven years, I've tried different tactics to lose weight. Weight Watchers, crash dieting, mild exercise, calorie counting...some worked, some didn't, but I would lose, then gain back. I wasn't ever happier, even after weight loss.

When Vince and I were dating, we got a dog. An energetic doberman named Juno. Energetic dobermans needs walks. The three of us started walked every day. We walked and walked. Pounds started melting off, but like any change in routine, eventually that plateaued too. I thought, as I had so many times in my life, I'll always be like this. I'll always be ugly.

Despite my less-than-toned physique, Vince asked me to marry him. We only gave ourselves two weeks to prepare for the wedding, but during those two weeks, we worked out, and we worked hard. In two weeks, your body doesn't change too much, but it was the thing that kickstarted my desire to be fit.

Vince and I talked about wanting to be in shape so that we could stick around with our kids for a long, long time. We wanted to be fit so that we could run and play with them, and do all the things younger people do. (He's been an athlete for a good portion of his life, so he started on his fitness journey with me at a much more advanced place.) I've never been athletic, or in shape. I've always been the reader, the writer, the doodler, the sitter, the couch-potatoe. Now, in my mid-to-late twenties, I've started becoming the one who is in shape.

A friend of mine wrote me today...she said that she was worried about me, because my focus seemed to be so dedicated to being thin. Her message woke something up inside of me. Do I still just want to be that skinny girl that I idolized my whole life? Or do I want to be in shape? And most of all, who am I doing this for? 

Being trim is still a goal of mine, but more than that, I just want to be healthy, and strong. I could lie and say that I'm doing this just for me, but I'm not. A part of me still thinks, If I can tighten up my arms, if I can shrink and harden my tummy, Vince will be more attracted to me. But it's a small part of me that thinks that, and it's shrinking every day. I want to be fit for me, and so that I can live a long, healthy life with Vince and our future children. 

I've started drinking more water. 

I don't like water all that much, but I feel so much better already!

I made myself a workout plan, so that I wasn't going at it willy nilly. 

Goals and directions help me focus.

I have a workout buddy! 

Melanie is such an encouragement!

I have family support. 

Vince, mom, dad, and my friends all push me to keep going.

I take Zumba classes, and I recently started Yoga! 

Regular structure keeps me going, too.

I've made myself become aware of what I eat, and I eat every 3-4 hours. 

Your body needs fuel! Fuel it with the right things!

It's never too late to start taking care of yourself. I'm lucky enough to have a huge support group that encourages me, pushes me, and supports me when I need it, and that loves me enough to challenge me to think about things in a new way, even when it's uncomfortable, so that I can grow. Like a tree, I want to sink my roots deep in soil that will nourish me and keep me growing for a long time. I want to stand tall and proud, and not hide the person that I am.

My first yoga photo. I'm a tree!
[Left to right: Kimmy, Justin, and the aforementioned Melanie!]

If you'd like to read more blogs of mine about health, fitness, weight gain & loss, diet, and exercise, click the tab above that says "I Want to Be a Tree" or click here! 

My Wonderful Deedee

When I was a baby, I would wake up before the sun rose every morning. When I was old enough to walk, I would go to my parents' bedroom, stare at my dad, and wait for him to wake up. I was always amazed that within a few moments his eyes would pop open and he would get up with me. I would sit with him in the bathroom while he brushed his teeth, shaved, and maybe put his contacts in, then we would go eat breakfast and watch cartoons. I never remember feeling like his getting up that early with me wasn't exactly what he already wanted to do. In retrospect, I understand that no one wants to get up at 4 am, but sometimes, you do anyway.

My daddy can be a quiet man, and he can also laugh as loudly as anyone I've ever known. He's brilliant (even though he'll never admit that he is, and if you tell him he is to his face, he'll shake his head at you) and he's humble. And for my whole life, up until the time that I met my husband, I compared every boy I met to him and they all fell short.

When I was five I wrote my first 'book.' It was called The Golden Pony. I think it was probably 4x5 inches big, and maybe 5 or 6 pages long. My dad helped me bind it together so that I could hold and read my book like a real book. Now, over twenty years later, I'm still writing books, and he's still helping me bind them together, but in new ways. He reads the stories I write, and shares them with his coworkers and friends. He sends me writing opportunities when he finds them. He pushes me to keep following my passion, and he follows it with me.

My wonderful daddy has always had my best interests at heart, even when I didn't realize it. I don't ever remember a time when he didn't offer his love to me unconditionally. Even if I'd done something to really make him mad, I never felt like he didn't love me.

Daddy (along with my momma) taught me how to love. He showed me that it was OK to feel sad, and it was OK to feel happy. He showed me that we should choose to love, that our main goal in this life should be to love. He taught me how to have empathy towards people, and toward animals. I learned from him that if you can take care of a person, or an animal, you should. He taught my heart how to reach out and open up, even when it's scary.

Dee and Zee

When I was in high school, and went through a break up, daddy didn't let me sit and stew in it. He took me on a date to the movies, and pulled me out of the funk that I was going to let myself sink into. When I was in college and went through a break up, he sat with me and let me cry, and then verbally reaffirmed all the positive things in my life that I was going to let myself forget. Whenever I've had friends 'dump' me, or I've gotten into arguments, my dad has always been a voice of reason, helping me see what was, and what wasn't, my fault. And whenever I finally started dating a really good guy, even when things were rough, dad said, "Don't give up on him, yet. He's a good one, Zee." Even when it was hard, and I wanted him to just sympathize with me, he pushed me to do what he thought was right...and with dad, he's right almost every single time.

I'm so thankful that my dad is the way he is so that I had the best possible person to model what a husband and father should be. I'm more and more thankful for my daddy every day, and though this blog doesn't even begin to express how much I love him, it's a start.

Happy Father's Day, Dee!

I love you more than words can say!!

My First Love

Every day I go through trials, I think we all do. Whether it's a thought that pops into my head and pesters me until I'm upset, or a decision (big or small) that I have to make, or just an emotion that makes me respond with less love than I should. Every single day these types of things happen.

Some days it's easy to breeze through, trials or no, and enjoy the day. Others, it's all I can do to pull myself through the mud and make it to the safety of my bed and sleep that night. Each day could be exactly the same, and each morning I could wake up and handle the same set of trials differently.

Lately, I've been asking myself a lot, Why are some days so easy, and some days so hard? I never think I have things figured out, I know that I'll always be changing my mind, and my ideas, and my conclusions, but this one...I feel like it's the one thing I can always be sure of.

The easy days, the days when I can have negative thoughts and just brush them away like dust on a tabletop, are the days when I've been reminded that there are greater things than myself. That love trumps any trial, any tribulation, any irritant I may face. I see that love from my husband, from my friends, from my parents, my brother...I see that love all around me, and on days when I'm aware of it, consciously thinking about it, it's easy to stride through the difficult patches and maintain a sense of calm, and even a sense of joy.

The hard days, the days when those negative thoughts and emotions eat away at me like acid, those are the days when I've forgotten to look past myself. When I've forgotten the awesome power of love.

As I said, I see love in my husband, family, and friends, but I know that they're not the source of this love. This isn't meant to diminish the roll they play. Without them, it would be much harder to see it, to feel it, but they aren't the source. The source of that love that saves me every single time I encounter it is Jesus.

I've been married almost a year, and it's very, very easy for me to get wrapped up in the love I have for my husband, and in the love he has for me. So wrapped up, in fact, that I tend to lose sight of the source of that love. Before Vince was in my life, Jesus was there, and He poured His love out on me from so many different sources.

I don't want to forget about my first love, but I often do. I want to live with the intention of sharing that love with everyone I encounter. I want to remember that He loved me first, because when I remember that, it makes the trials I face, if not easier all around, at least easier to handle emotionally and mentally. I want to have my first love on my mind and on my heart all the time, because intentionally holding Him close pushes me to intentionally love more--to love my husband more, my parents, my brother, my friends, people I meet at the coffee shop, at the grocery store, the guy who cuts me off in traffic, or the guy who calls and leaves nasty voicemails--holding Jesus close and intentionally thinking about what that means keeps me in the frame of mind of the person I want to be.

My first love, my Jesus, pushes me to love bigger. He pushes me to stretch what I think I know about the world, about people, and to see things differently. He pushes me to keep myself in check, and not to fall into the trap of thinking that, because I love Him, that I'm always right (on the contrary, this pushes me to see that because I love Him, and He loves me, it's OK to be wrong, and He'll help me when I am).

Before I was married, Jesus was my husband. Now, he's the glue that holds my marriage together and keeps it strong. Since I left home to go to college, Jesus has been my father and my mother when I couldn't be with my actual mom and dad. When I'm homesick, he's always right there with me. When I'm sad, Jesus is my joy. He shows me every time how to find joy in sadness, and how to find light in the dark. Always, Jesus is my hero, and always, Jesus is my first love.

Mental Malady: Another Confession

Sometimes I like to pretend that I can't control where my thoughts go...that my brain simply does what it does, and I'm nothing except a helpless bystander that's being carried away by the tide of my mental synapses. But that's not true. I let myself pretend this, because it's easier to say, It's my brain's fault, than it is to say, I don't have enough self control. I let my thoughts snag on something, whether I know it's true or not, and I let myself get carried away in it.


I'm all about public-blog-confession for myself, because it forces me to come to terms with things. I can come to terms with things all day in my head, but if it's just in my head, nine times out of ten those terms go out the window. Before anyone makes assumptions about where my thoughts go, let me clarify what I mean.

My thoughts stray, more often than is emotionally healthy, to a person from my husband's past. I've been married almost eleven months. In those eleven months, my husband has shown me over and over again how devoted he is to our marriage, how devoted he is to me, and how much he loves me. He's never done anything except pour out his love to me, and work ridiculously hard to help me learn to love myself. Now, I'm definitely on the path toward doing that [loving myself], and I think that perhaps this particular confession is one big step in that direction for me.

Not everyone knows the story of how Vince and I came to be, and not everyone needs to. I will say that it was a tumultuous beginning, one during which he was at the brink of a major life change--deciding whether or not to let go of an old life and start a new one, or try to make that old one work. Needless to say, he chose to let go and start a new life with me. [Neither of us handle change very well, so this was a huge decision for him, and for me.] Since he made that choice, he has been completely devoted to us.

I say all of that so that no one will think that anything I'm about to say is a result of something Vince (or anyone else) has done. Everything that follows is a product of my insecurity, and my inability to love myself for who I am.

As I said, Vince and I have been married for almost eleven months. Next month, I will happily have been Mrs. Frantz for a year. Marrying someone who I can truly call my best friend was always my dream, and now it's my reality. Yet, (and here's where I want to blame my brain) I can't let go of his past.

A few very close friends know all this...they're the only ones I felt safe enough to confide in with my fears and struggles. Because it was secret, it was easier for me to let it keep happening. Just like an alcoholic has an easier time feeding their addiction in secret, I allowed these thoughts and fears to live in my brain, because no one really knew how deep their roots were. If no one knew, if I could keep it a secret, then it wouldn't exist to anyone but me.

I've considered writing this blog a hundred times. I haven't, because I fear judgment. I fear people will say, If she's feeling that way, they shouldn't have gotten married. I even fear that people will say that I fall short in the comparisons I make. Even as I write this, and proofread, I'm scared of what people will think.

In my head, I compare myself to her, to Vince's ex, all the time. It's not healthy to compare yourself to anyone, but it's really unhealthy to compare yourself to your husband's ex. Many will say, If he wanted to be with her, he would be. He chose you, so be happy in that. Even though that's true--he did choose to be with me just like I chose to be with him--there's still a sense of competition in that. It was never a competition...it wasn't me against her, winner gets Vince. It was, instead, the collision of three lives, during which people got hurt, people learned, people got angry, people were glad, people had joy, and people were just people. The end result was a new path for all three of us, but there was never a competition.

And that's what I have to keep telling myself. I was never competing with her for Vince. I'm not competing with her now. Except...I am. In my head anyway. I know I shouldn't. I know there's nothing actually to compete with. I know that she's happy in her life (which makes me glad), and I know that he and I are happy in our lives (which also makes me glad), and I know that her life and ours are now separate. But, in my head, I still compete.

It makes me feel like I'm going crazy.

When I'm comparing myself, Vince can tell a difference in the way I behave. He doesn't know what I'm doing in my head, but he knows that I don't react the same, I don't behave the same...and I know that I don't show him how much I love him like I should, because I'm too wrapped up in the drama I'm creating in my head.

When I'm not comparing myself to her [or anyone else] things are so much smoother. I'm happier, which makes Vince noticeably happier. When I suffer [even when it's from a mental malady that's self inflicted] I see him suffer with me.

If not comparing myself to her, or anyone, makes me happy, and it makes him happy, 

then why don't I stop?

Our marriage isn't perfect, no marriage is perfect, but our life together, the story that we're writing, is my favorite story of all. I've added more than my share of plot points with conflict to it already, because of the lies that I allow to live in my brain. But now, I'm confessing this to you, whoever happens to read this blog, so that I can be held accountable.

It would be so much easier if I just ignored all this and said to myself, Your brain's gonna do what your brain's gonna do. Get used to it. You can handle it. But I know that's a lie, and there's no more room for lies in my head. So, here are some truths that I don't quite believe [not fully, not yet], but that I want to believe in my heart. I know them in my head, but I want to know them fully, without any doubt.

My husband loves me, because of who I am.

I have my own talents.

I'm beautiful in my way, and no one else's.

I'm smart and I'm funny.

I'm not her, I'm not anyone in the world but me, and that's wonderful.

And last, but definitely not least, 

God made me who I am. 

As with all growth, it's going to take time. I've spent over 20 years comparing myself to other girls. This comparison is the hardest of all only because it affects the person I love most in the world. But maybe that will help give me the strength to change my belief system about myself. Vince tells me all the time, You have to learn to love yourself, before you're gonna believe that I love you. To love myself, I have to quit thinking that I should be like anyone, but me.

(Thank you, Jasmine, for sharing the following verses with me! You're such a sweet, sweet person.)

Galatians 5:25-26

Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original.

The Swan

I've written many blogs about having a low self esteem. I've talked to many of you who are reading this about how I view my self, how I view my body, and who I compare myself to. And many of my friends encourage me away from these things...

But then there are those people who, without meaning to, push me toward those thoughts. People who say things about women, who demean women, who look at women as if they were nothing more than objects to be ogled, compared to modern beauty standards, and disregarded.

Look at that girl over there, she's so hot.

Man, that girl needs to lose some weight.

Look at what she's wearing. She really shouldn't be seen in public like that.

Phrases like these shaped the way I thought the world, how I thought men, viewed me. Do I look like that "hot" girl? Am I one of those girls that people point out and laugh? Am I thin enough? Do I have the right hair? The right clothes? How do I become the "hot" girl? 

In 2004 a reality television series aired called The Swan. I'm ashamed to say I watched this show from my dorm room. The premise was simple. "Ugly" women sent in videos and photos of themselves. Producers chose two women for each episode to come in and be sized up by a coach, a therapist, a trainer, a cosmetic surgeon, and a dentist. These professionals outlined plans for the women to transform them over a three month span from ugly ducklings to beautiful swans. The women had plastic surgeries, went on radical diets, had zoom bleaching and fake teeth implanted. After that, someone made their hair, makeup, and clothing look as "perfect" like as possible. At the end of each episode, one of the two women featured was voted off for not being beautiful enough, and at the end of the season, the winners from each episode went up against one another in a beauty pageant to determine who was the Swan.

The show was cancelled after season two. It was criticized for advocating 

unnecessary cosmetic surgery, as well as a beauty standard processed and packaged 

by the fashion industry. This show preyed on emotionally vulnerable women.

 Journalist Jennifer L. Pozner, in her book Realty Bites Back, referred to it as 

"the most sadistic reality series of the decade."

In today's society, women are made to feel like they have to look a very particular way in order to be beautiful, in order to be desirable, in order to be accepted. We're encouraged, not to be kind, or smart, or generous, but to be tan, with a certain size waist, a certain length of hair, and certain size boobs. Our worth is determined by these things. The question I feel the need to ask is, Why?

Why are women objectified regularly? And why is this seen as OK? 

I am proud to be a Christian, but in Christian circles, why is it okay to demean a woman by talking about her like she's an animal in the stockyard up for sale, but it's not okay to say another word for poop? 

Why should we be made to feel like we're less because we wear a size 8, or 12, instead of a size 2?

And why is it wrong for me, or any woman, to be insulted and hurt when a male friend is objectifying other women around them? Why is it wrong to speak up?

I know many, many beautiful people. Every single person in my life has beautiful, unique, wonderful qualities. But many of those beautiful people [like myself] can't see those wonderful qualities, because we're too blinded by the popular idea of what we should be, and we can't see all the great attributes of who we are.

I don't want anyone to think I'm arguing against being in shape. On the contrary, I think every person should strive to take care of themselves--mind, body, and spirit--but that doesn't mean not eating, that doesn't mean trying to make yourself someone else. Eat right. Exercise. Make good choices. All of these things only allow you to be the person that you are for a longer amount of time.






But I am arguing against girls being made to feel like they're less. I am arguing against girls being made to feel like they need to live up to the media-driven-myth of perfection.

The ladies on The Swan were given boob jobs, liposuction, tummy tucks, 

all sorts of fat and synthetic implants. Their teeth were whitened and replaced. 

Their hair was dyed, cut, curled, woven, and sprayed. 

The very shapes of their features--noses, eyes, chins, lips, ears--were altered 

to fit some bizarre modern conception of what beauty was. 

In all of that, these women became something else...something that, 

in the long run, only pushed more girls into the same vulnerable, hurt place 

that they were in before they went on that show. And, as someone 

who's struggled with my self image vs. the media's view of what my image should be, 

I can only imagine that after all those painful surgeries and procedures,

 they didn't feel any more comfortable in their own skin than they did before. 

That skin was changed, and was supposed to be better, but it wasn't real. 

It was a pre-packed shell that was only considered beautiful because media says so.

This is a topic that makes me very, very upset. It makes me angry, sad, and it hurts me in a way that's hard to put into words. Not to sound melodramatic, but I often think about all the times I cried, poking and prodding at my face, stomach, arms, and legs, wondering why I had to be made in a way that was imperfect, that wasn't beautiful...and then I think about the countless number of girls who I know do the same thing, and it hurts me that they can't see how beautiful they are. It hurts me that it's so hard for me to see how beautiful I am. And I don't just mean physically... 

It's up to us, to regular people, to change this. The media uses the female image to sell things [prize horses up for sale, pieces of meat], and they keep doing it because we keep buying it. We watch the shows where the women walk around in bikinis and talk like morons. We read the tabloids that show who's fat and who's anorexic, and we praise the ones who found that "beautiful" middle ground. 

We feed the media cash, and they feed us garbage in return. 

We eat the garbage, and we grow sick. 

What do we do when we're sick? 

We turn to the media for a quick fix, and the cycle continues.

We, men and women alike, should love ourselves for who we are. 

We, men and women alike, should respect each other, both genders. 

We, men and women alike, should fight the machine that tells us what's beautiful, 

and instead look at the person without any media-filter.

YOU are beautiful. YOU have talents, attributes, interests, and quirks that make you unique, that make you imperfectly perfect. YOU should let who you are shine bright. Don't try to hide behind a mask. Media is going to change what we consider beautiful time and time again.

Don't let the media make you feel like you're worth less.

Don't let it change you.