Self Worth (or I Want to Love Myself)

I've been thinking a lot lately (and by lately, I mean for the last almost-27 years or so) about my self worth. I know, I write about that a lot. I'm sure it's extremely annoying, but give me a moment with this thought.

In kindergarten I remember feeling like I wasn't as pretty as my best friend. She was popular, very pretty, blonde (yes, we were five, and it still mattered to me) and all the boys liked her. I was kind of her nerdy sidekick. She switched schools in middle school and I made a new best friend. This girl was more of a tom boy, still very pretty, and interesting. All the boys liked her, too, so yet again, I'm the nerdy sidekick. Despite the fact that both of these girls are beautiful (inside and out), loving, wonderful people, I let my own comparison of myself to their exterior traits color my self image pretty heavily.

I hoped that college was going to be different...but, because I had already sketched (in ink, mind you) an image of myself in my mind, I didn't make myself look at the guys I was dating in an objective way. I should have said: Does this boy care about my well being? Does this boy love Jesus? Does this boy respect me? Can I talk to this boy? Can I be me around this boy? But instead, I said: Does this boy like me? Do I think this boy is cute? And if the answer to both of those questions was yes, then I was all in. Just like that. It didn't matter how they treated me, as long as they were willing to be with me.

Needless to say, I've never really felt good enough. I've always felt subpar...I wasn't ever an athlete, even though I really did try to be. I never did gymnastics, or danced (except a brief stint in a children's Dance Studio which doesn't really count. I quit when they said "Do a cartwheel!"). I never played soccer or tennis or volleyball or softball. On the flip side, I've never been what you might call "a typical girl," meaning, I never really got into a lot of girly-things (shoes and nails and shopping), but I did get into nerd-things (books and movies and Sci-Fi television shows). I always half-envied the girls who so easily were feminine and wore high-heels to every occasion effortlessly. I never mastered the art of "fixing" my hair. I can straighten it...I can braid it...I can let it dry and hope for the best. I was never really nerd enough to hold my own in a conversation with a true Star Trek or Star Wars fan. I've always just been kind of caught in the middle...For over a quarter of a century, this as been riding around on my shoulders.

For over a quarter of a century, I've believed that I was living in the land of mediocrity.

I don't want to trick myself into believing that I live there anymore.

You all (probably) know the story of how my husband and I came to be what we are. We became friends, which rapidly became a romantic relationship, which even more rapidly turned into a marriage. I won't go over that again (even though I could easily write about that part of my life every day and never get tired of it!), but I want to touch on a huge turning point in my life that has begun to help me move away from this ugly little monster riding around on my shoulders.

Vince is my husband, my best friend, my confidant, my self-esteem booster, and from time-to-time he has to lay down the lay and metaphorically whip me into shape. I've had friends my whole life tell me not to feel less than worthy. They said I was a great person, and I appreciated everything they said...but it never really sunk in. I think it's because of how very close Vince and I are, but when he tells me these things, I can't help but really listen. 

I won't try and quote him, because he's told me so many wonderful, encouraging things, but I do want to try and share what he's shared with me, just in case someone else out there suffers with feeling less-than-worthy.

There is only one of me...only one of you. Because there are no copies, you can't compare yourself to anyone else. Everyone has issues, everyone has great qualities, everyone has flaws, everyone has fears, everyone has insecurities, but at the end of the day, we are all unique, one-of-a-kind creatures. 

To try and change that, to try and make oneself like someone else only works to belittle the being that you are! I can try all day to be more like someone else, but someone, and probably multiple someones,  love the person that you are. 

I often freak out, because I don't like who I am, and tell Vince that I want to change things about me. Every time, he looks at me and tells me that I'm the first person in his life that he's wanted to spend every day with, that he's felt himself around, and if I change the person that I am, it'll hurt him. Now, I don't want you to think I've decided to start working on liking me because he likes me...but rather, I want to start liking me because (as silly as this sounds) I have found an outside source that says there is something about me worth loving. If that's the case, then I feel like I'm missing out on something about myself...I've been so blinded by my warped self-perception that I can't see myself...

It's easy to look at someone else and say, "Man, they have so many great qualities," but sometimes it's hard to view yourself that way. I want to view myself that way...I don't want to forget my flaws, or ignore them, but I want to let  the positive things shine. 

I want to believe in myself.

I want to love myself.

And, if I can, I want to help others love themselves, too.