Selfish

I want to be less selfish.
I want to quit thinking negatively about people,
especially the people who've never done anything to wrong me,
and especially the people who have.
I want to give more.
I want to love more.
I want to be a better person.
I want to go out of my way for others,
and not expect anything in return.
I don't want to want anything in return.
I don't want to want anything.

The implication here, is that I am selfish. I think negatively. I don't give, or love, enough. I expect things. I want things. That's the implication of what I said, anyway.

I don't say all of this so that someone who loves me might say, "you're not a bad person." Even though I appreciate when people try to build me up, those people that love, those people that try to make me see the good in me instead of the bad. I appreciate those people, and those things they say, deeply. But, I don't say all this in order to get that reaction. On the contrary.

I say all of this as a type of confession. I'm confessing to these wrongs in my life that I perpetuate day, after day, after day. I allow them to keep existing, because maybe I'm the only person who knows they exist. Or maybe everyone sees these things in me, and maybe everyone is just too kind, or too scared, to point them out.

I'm sorry if I've hurt you. If I've not loved you enough. If I've wronged you. If I've done things for you to get things from you. If I've not loved you enough.

I want to be less selfish, and this confession, will hopefully be my first step towards that.

The Facebook Phenomenon

Why is it that Facebook plays such a huge role in our lives?

That question has been rolling around in my head for weeks now. I've talked to people about it, in different settings, and still have no concrete answer.

I ask the question, because even though I don't want it to be a big thing to me, it is. I really would rather not care what's going on in cyberspace, but it effects me deeply. And that disturbs me. If I could come up with a reason explaining to myself why it matters so much, maybe I wouldn't be so bothered.

So let's talk about it.

Facebook is a social networking site. We all know this. It's a place where we can share information, photos, ideas, and feelings with people we might never get to see or talk to otherwise. I posted photos of my wedding so that my family and friends who were unable to make it could look at them. I recently shared a music video that my brother's band made. Without Facebook, it would have been much much harder to get the word out. I found out that my cousin is having twins, a boy and a girl, almost as soon as she found out. I've gotten to see my cousins' children grow up! These things are wonderful features that Facebook allows.

However, I've noticed in the last few years that Facebook has also become a place for people to establish themselves. What I mean by that is, people go on Facebook to show people who they are. We create profiles stating our likes and dislikes. We take photos to establish our style for the world. We state our relationship with people so that it's clear to everyone just what we mean to so-and-so. And the real kicker is, none of this information has to be true, yet, we treat it as if it were vital.

"It's not official until it's Facebook official."

I can't tell you how many times I've heard that. Before I got married, my husband and I dated for several months. It wasn't on Facebook, and people would ask over and over why it wasn't. After a while, that starts to wear on you. And for what? Why should it matter if it's represented online. Everyone knew we were together. We knew we were together. Why does Facebook get to dictate reality?

Have you ever been on Facebook, seen a nasty status, known it was directed toward you, and had a bad day because of it? Would the person who posted that status have said those words to you if you'd been face to face? Doubtful. Facebook has evolved from a great place to post digital information to share with people far away, into a place where people can bully and pry without having any repercussions.

The saddest part is, after all of this, even though I really think that what Facebook has become, is more often hurtful than not, I still check it all the time. I get excited when someone comments on something. Likes something. Posts something for me. It's a dependency on this site for human interaction. It fulfills some base need that I seem to have to be reassured that the life I'm living is okay. That the way I look is okay. That my ideas and beliefs are okay. I know how silly that sounds, but whether it's silly or not, it's the way things have become, at least in my life. I can't speak for anyone else.

I posted this blog because I want to hear ideas. I want to know what people think about Facebook, about Twitter, Instagram, Google+, texting, Klout, all of those sites where we go to communicate, to have social interaction instead of going to a store and talking to people, or picking up a phone and calling them. We hide behind screens with text and photos. What do you think about all this? Maybe, if you're confused too, we can help each other understand.

Chop Off the Monster's Head

Jealousy is an ugly thing. 

It's one of those things that creeps up on you, unawares, and yanks your feet out from under you. Then, when you're on your face, it comes and stomps on all of your fingers. It punches you, and kicks you, and insists that you hate yourself. It's a monster that you don't see coming until it's already too late.

It's weird how it works. 

Jealousy works on your soul in a way that makes you feel like less. Makes you feel inadequate, not good enough. Whatever or whoever you're jealous of becomes this untouchable things that you put yourself up against, and in the end, you always fall short. You aren't tall enough, aren't short enough, aren't pretty enough, aren't skinny enough, aren't funny enough, aren't serious enough, aren't enough. Never enough.

It's horrible,

and it will kill you, if you let it.

I have a real problem with jealousy. I find myself getting jealous of so many things. I feel silly afterward, a lot of the time, but I also still feel jealous. Whether it's of something someone has, or the way someone looks, or the amount of time I get to talk in a conversation...I get jealous for lots and lots and lots of reasons. My jealousy is like a living thing that I can't control...that sometimes controls me.

Jealousy doesn't make sense. 

One minute, you might be completely okay, happy, laughing, calm. And the next, after that stressor is introduced, you might be sad, angry, tense, scared.


In my experience, the stressor is generally self-induced. Meaning, it's something that is all in  your mind...it's born there, nourished in the soil of your insecurities, and grown into an all-consuming monster. The real kicker is, it's so ingrained as a part of us, we become blinded to the fact that only we can chop off its head.


I see this happening in my life almost daily. I had a talk with Vince, my husband, the other day. I expressed to him in oh-so-eloquent terms (that was sarcasm) that I was jealous of the way another woman looked. It wasn't relevant to anything that was happening at that moment. I just happened to look at a picture of this person, and blurt it out. "I'm jealous of Susan." (Her name isn't really Susan, in case anyone was wondering.) He asked me why, and I told him, "Because she's prettier than me." He asked what I meant by that. He asked question after question...until I realized I didn't have a real answer. I had my own opinion about what pretty was, coupled with, and based on, what the media told me what pretty was, and compounded by my deep standing insecurities about my own appearance. My jealousy, which was a very real feeling that ran with very strong emotions, was based on me--my perception of reality, and of myself.


Vince made me think about what it was I was feeling. He made me break it down so that I had to look at it in pieces. I had to push aside, or at least try to push aside, the emotions that went along with my jealousy. He forced into the light that my jealousy was stemming from my brain, from facts that weren't facts at all, but my own perception, and the only way to counteract that, was to realize that what I was believing wasn't truth, but opinion, and that that opinion was based on unreality.

He made me see that I needed to chop off the monster's head.

But I grew this monster. I fostered it. I fed it. I raised it from infancy. It was as much a part of me as my arms and legs. But it wasn't a healthy limb. If I left it there, it would rot, and eventually, it would kill me.


I don't mean to say that, because I now realize my jealousy's foundation is unstable that I can fix it all at once. That would be silly. Rather, now that I can see my jealousy for what it is, I can begin to deal with it, one insane episode at a time.


I feel myself start to get jealous.
I feel my heart start to pound,
my cheeks go red,
the tears start to well up in my eyes,
and then I think...

is this real?

Or is it all in my head?

Why do I feel this way?

Why?

And that doesn't make it go away, but that makes it manageable. That makes the monster a little bit less scary. And when the monster is less scary, you can start to fight back. After a while, that monster that's tangled itself up in your mind will be small enough to manage, and then you can chop off its head.

It won't be something that changes in a day, or a week, but I know it'll happen. As long as we remember what's real, and what isn't. As long as we stop to think about why we feel a certain way, and what we're basing it on. As long as we remember to search for truth, and to ignore the things that influence us with falsehoods. As long as we remember all of this, that monster, Jealousy, won't have any place in us. And that will be a beautiful, beautiful thing.