Change CAN Be Good

In my last post, I talked about striving to be happy with who we are, as opposed to striving to be who we aren't in order to be happy. I mentioned, near the end, that just because I wrote about it, didn't mean I would suddenly change and be completely okay with who I am. But so far, in the last week, I have at least been more aware of the times when I want to be someone I'm not, and because of that, I have been able to curb those irrational thoughts and emotions a little more.

Strangely though, most of those times have been harder for me than before I was so hyper aware of it. As if becoming aware of it brought it into the light, and now I can't turn that light off, I can't even dim it. Now that this flaw of mine, this flaw of wanting to change myself constantly, has a big old spotlight on it, it's even harder to ignore when it creeps into my fluffy little head.

This is good, and this is bad.

It's good in that I AM aware of it now, and it isn't something that can just simmer beneath the surface and eat away at my self confidence slowly, like bacteria. But it's bad, in that now that I'm so hyper-aware of it, my OCD kicks in and I start to compound the issue by thinking, "I shouldn't think this way. I should be happy with who I am. But sometimes I DO want to change things. Is that wrong? What's wrong with me that I can't be happy with me?" And left to my own devices, I'll think myself dizzy.

In a way, even the bad is kind of good, because it's made me think about this whole thing more in depth. And while I tend to over think things a lot of the time, I think we owe it to ourselves to explore things to their fullest. That being said, here's the addition I've decided to tack onto my last post.

Should we want to be who we aren't?

No. Definitely not. I've never met someone

who didn't have at least a few really great qualities.

She we be happy with who we are?

Yes. We were made the way we are, and given the

abilities we have, and that's something pretty special.

BUT, should we work towards bettering

ourselves each and every day?

Yes. Yes we should.

To be clear, I'm not saying that I think if you go out and dye your hair, or buy a new dress, or a new car, or start acting or talking or thinking like someone else, that you're bettering yourself. On the contrary, I think those behaviors suppress the person that God created in you, and that is a travesty. What I am saying, however, is that if you have something in your life, in your heart, in your head, that is detrimental to you or the people around you, then changing THAT isn't a bad thing.

Let's say you're the girl from the last post, the one who thinks that if ONLY she could have the right hair color, her life would be perfect. This girl's flaw isn't that she wants to change her hair color, her flaw is the thing driving her to change her hair color.

Be happy with who you are,

and be ready and willing

to change the bits of you

hurt others, or hurt yourself.

I'm the kind of person who sometimes snaps at people without meaning to. They never deserve it, and more often than not, that person really cares about me. But, whether or not they care about me, I know that I shouldn't snap at them. All that's doing is hurting them, and adding to the anger in me, like little drops in a big bowl. A few won't fill it up, but if you keep adding drops, eventually it will overflow. Working to change this aspect of myself, working to be kinder with my words and to LOVE BIGGER, is a good change. It's a change that is for the right reasons.

If you change something for your emotional health, your bodily health, the health of your relationships, it isn't a bad thing. Be kinder. Eat better. Walk more. Learn something. None of these things are bad, and they're all changes...

The whole point of THIS blog, is to clarify what I mean to say in the last, and that is, don't change yourself, UNLESS you're changing things for the RIGHT reasons. As always, in my book anyway, it all comes down to love. If we love ourselves, then love others MORE than ourselves, things will be okay.

All of these changes come from love.

How can that be bad?

Who I am. Who I'm not.

Why do we always want to be what we aren't?

This thought is one I struggle with a lot, but for the last few weeks I've been struggling with it more often than not. Logically, I know that being something else won't make me happy. I know that I can't become a certain person to attain the happiness or the contentment that I need. I KNOW that that happiness and that contentment is available right this second, if I would just reach out and grab a hold of it. But illogically, emotionally, humanly, I still find myself seeing someone else, seeing what they can do, reading what they wrote, hearing what they have to say, and yearning to be more like that person in order to be complete, in order to be fulfilled.

Let me start with the idea

of wanting what we don't have,

or wanting to be what we aren't.

Here's a simple example that makes all of this easiest for me to understand. Let's say you're a brunette, and you think that if you could only be blonde, you would be happy with yourself. You think that if you become a blonde you will suddenly be beautiful, you'll be happier because you'll be more confident, people will look at you and think what you've always wanted them to think, and in all of that you'll find contentment and joy. So, you go to the best hair salon and go blonde. You look like a completely new person, and you get all the reactions you hoped for. For a few days, you're on a happy-high.

And then the new wears off.

Your blonde hair becomes the norm, and you see a girl with brown hair walk by and think, if only your hair were dark again, you could be a natural beauty like her, and then you'd be happy.

You see where I'm going with this.

That is a really simple example of what I'm talking about. We think, well, I think, that if I can only be what I'm not (thin, athletic, a great singer, a guitar player, a pianist, a painter, et cetera), if I could only achieve those goals of being the very things that I'm not, THEN I would be complete. But I hope from my hair-example that it's clear why that philosophy, that idea, is faulty.

It's easier to want to be what we aren't,

than to try and live in the fullness

of what we are,

of who we are.

I'm not thin, or athletic, or a great singer, or a guitar player, or a pianist, or a painter, but I AM a writer, a friend, a thinker, a coffee drinker, a doodler. It's easier to pick at the things I'm not and say, "Why can't this be me? What's so wrong with me that I don't live up to these things?" than to say, "This is who I am, and I'm happy about that. I'm proud of that."

I have been given all of the ingredients for happiness. I have been given a life that is my own, that is unique, to live, to experience, to BE in. And in that life, no matter what the particulars are, I have all that I need to be content. No matter what your circumstances are--and I know that some circumstances are so difficult, so hard, so painful that it's hard to breathe, let alone look at the bright side--no matter what they are, there is happiness there, even if it's very hard to see.

I want to want to be what I am, who I am.

I'm not saying that, just because I've thought about it some, and written about it some, that I'll be forever changed, but it's part of the process. To be aware of it, and to try and live and be who I am, rather than who I'm not.

Love Speaks Volumes

Generally I don't post blogs too close together, but I witnessed something today that slapped me across the face and screamed in my ear for me to write about it.

I was at Starbucks earlier (shocking, I know) and witnessed something that upset me a little. A woman's drink wasn't made to her standards, and rather than drink it anyway, or ask nicely for a new one, she insisted that the barista on bar add a shot, saying that if the barista were to remake it, she would just remake it wrong again.

It would be easy for me to sit here and write all about how wrong I think that woman was, but I won't. I can't say what's right or wrong for her, or for anyone other than myself. Instead, this event made me think about how I treat people myself.

While the woman waited for her drink to be "fixed," she looked at me and shook her head and rolled her eyes. I think she wanted me to commiserate with her, but instead I just stared straight ahead and avoided dealing with it. I was thinking, "It's just coffee.

No need to get so upset and maybe hurt someone's feelings." I was even a little upset with her for treating one of my friends with such a lack of respect. But rather than say any of that, I avoided.

I feel like, in general, we avoid things a lot. Maybe I should say I avoid things, instead of we, because I really don't want to be someone who generalizes everything in order to avoid blame or responsibility. I avoid things a lot. Especially things like that.

Perhaps I should have turned to the woman and told her off, but I don't think so. Perhaps my avoidance of her was worse than that. All I know is, I didn't handle the situation with love, and even in retrospect I'm not sure how I should have reacted.

As a follower of Jesus, I believe it's everyone's duty, whether you're a Christian or not, to love people. I don't want to tell someone they're wrong for not loving, but I do want to say that I want to love people. I want to love everyone I meet, and I want that to be clear. I want to do this because I think it's what life is really about.

However that woman acted, I should have shown her love. I showed my friend love by not talking to the woman about her drink in a negative way, but I didn't show the woman love. I ignored her, which is the same as telling her off I think.

Love speaks volumes. It heals us when nothing else can. It takes a rotten day and turns it on its head. It mends broken hearts and changes your perspective on things.

I wish that I had thought of that today for the brief moments I was in the same space as that woman. No, I wish that I didn't have to think about it, that to love her regardless of my emotions toward her in that moment was my first nature, rather than an action I decided to take. I want to love people. I think if we all loved each other, no matter what, then everything would be better.

I messed up today. But maybe because I messed up today, I won't the next time I'm given an opportunity to love someone. Whether it's in the line at the grocery store, or paying for gas, or talking to a friend, we have the opportunity to love on people every time we see them. I don't want to waste any more of those opportunities.

Timeline

My birthday was April 17th. I turned 26-years-old. 26 isn't a mile stone like 16, 21, or even 25, but it was a big milestone for me.

When I was younger, much much younger, I had a plan for myself. Graduate from college in 4 years. Get married after that, at 22 or 23. Have my first baby at 26. My second at 28. This plan seemed foolproof. For this plan to work I would have to meet the person I was going to marry, and actually marry them, in that time frame. What I failed to take into consideration was the fact that life doesn't work on a schedule. You can't just plan out these things. Life doesn't work that way.

For a long time, this really bummed me out. Every person I dated, I tried to force into the "husband" position so that my timeline would work like I wanted it to. And each time, those relationships fell apart and I was devastated because I had to start all over again. Because my timeline wasn't working out like it should.

But boy, am I ever glad that that timeline ended up being fiction.

If my timeline had worked, I would be in an unhappy marriage. I wouldn't have made the friends I've made. I wouldn't almost have my MFA. I wouldn't have taken the path that I'm on now--I wouldn't have learned what I have because of that path. I am just now, after a quarter of a century on this little blue and green planet, learning how to love like I should. Learning who I am. Learning what I want, and need, out of life. Learning what it is to live.

If my timeline had worked out, I'm sure I would find happiness. But I don't know that I would realize that, because I'm also just now learning how to find joy in everything, even if it doesn't go your way.

The path I'm on now is teaching me that, and I am so thankful to be on this path. To be in this life. I'm thankful my timeline didn't work out, and I'm thankful that I made the timeline in the first place. I'm thankful to be learning, and growing. I'm thankful for the times when those lessons are laughter and joy, and for when those lessons are tears.

On my 25th birthday, I hid from the world. I cried that I was getting "old" and that I hadn't achieved my goals. Well, I'm even older now, and on my 26th birthday, I laughed a lot. I smiled a lot. I spent a wonderful weekend with my family and friends. I felt young. I was happy. What a change a year can make on the way you view the world. I wonder what I will have learned in the next year. I'm excited to find out what that may be.