Erosion

The title of my blog is Everything Happens for a Reason, and right now I am having a bit of trouble believing that myself. I was with someone for just over a year and yesterday that all ended abruptly. It didn't end with a fight or anything, it just ended. It was one of the hardest things I've had to go through yet, and the wound is still so fresh it's still bleeding. I feel like my arm has been ripped off and I don't yet know how to cope without it.

I guess I'm still in shock. Like when a person is seriously injured they don't react to things normally. Everything is kind of hazy and weird, not quite right. That's how I feel right now. I feel like any second I'm going to wake up and realize that this was all just a surreal horrible dream. But I know it's not. I know, deep down, that this is life. This is reality. This is the situation that I have to walk in for a while. But the thing is, every step hurts a little more than the last. Maybe it's just really sinking in now.

When I woke up this morning I felt dizzy. My heart was racing. My fingers were tingly. And then it hit me. All over again, yesterday hit me, and I didn't want to get out of my bed. I wanted to lay there all day and sulk and wallow in my unhappiness. But I didn't. I got up. Took a shower. Got ready. And went to work. I made myself move. Moving helps, I think. But once you're still again, like I am now, it all hits you again. Like waves on a shore. I keep thinking that each wave is going to wear the pain down, like the shoreline eroding, and eventually I won't feel it anymore. I know that over time it will get better, but it just happened yesterday, and the pain is still raw. Each time the wave hits it's like sandpaper all over my body. I feel shaky and unsteady on my feet. I feel like crying. I feel like screaming. I feel like I just want to go home.

This all may be melodramatic, but in this moment it's true for me.

I know that my God has it all in His hands, though. I know that He has a plan for me, that even though right now I am in tremendous pain and uncertainty, He has a purpose for it all. And to be honest, I'm having to FORCE myself to believe that right now. I'm having to FORCE myself not to crumble and fall and give up. My God is with me. My God loves me. My God will protect me, no matter what. Even now, when I feel broken and lost, I know that He is there. I know that He is always there.