I've written many blogs about having a low self esteem. I've talked to many of you who are reading this about how I view my self, how I view my body, and who I compare myself to. And many of my friends encourage me away from these things...
But then there are those people who, without meaning to, push me toward those thoughts. People who say things about women, who demean women, who look at women as if they were nothing more than objects to be ogled, compared to modern beauty standards, and disregarded.
Look at that girl over there, she's so hot.
Man, that girl needs to lose some weight.
Look at what she's wearing. She really shouldn't be seen in public like that.
Phrases like these shaped the way I thought the world, how I thought men, viewed me. Do I look like that "hot" girl? Am I one of those girls that people point out and laugh? Am I thin enough? Do I have the right hair? The right clothes? How do I become the "hot" girl?
In 2004 a reality television series aired called The Swan. I'm ashamed to say I watched this show from my dorm room. The premise was simple. "Ugly" women sent in videos and photos of themselves. Producers chose two women for each episode to come in and be sized up by a coach, a therapist, a trainer, a cosmetic surgeon, and a dentist. These professionals outlined plans for the women to transform them over a three month span from ugly ducklings to beautiful swans. The women had plastic surgeries, went on radical diets, had zoom bleaching and fake teeth implanted. After that, someone made their hair, makeup, and clothing look as "perfect" like as possible. At the end of each episode, one of the two women featured was voted off for not being beautiful enough, and at the end of the season, the winners from each episode went up against one another in a beauty pageant to determine who was the Swan.
The show was cancelled after season two. It was criticized for advocating
unnecessary cosmetic surgery, as well as a beauty standard processed and packaged
by the fashion industry. This show preyed on emotionally vulnerable women.
Journalist Jennifer L. Pozner, in her book Realty Bites Back, referred to it as
"the most sadistic reality series of the decade."
In today's society, women are made to feel like they have to look a very particular way in order to be beautiful, in order to be desirable, in order to be accepted. We're encouraged, not to be kind, or smart, or generous, but to be tan, with a certain size waist, a certain length of hair, and certain size boobs. Our worth is determined by these things. The question I feel the need to ask is, Why?
Why are women objectified regularly? And why is this seen as OK?
I am proud to be a Christian, but in Christian circles, why is it okay to demean a woman by talking about her like she's an animal in the stockyard up for sale, but it's not okay to say another word for poop?
Why should we be made to feel like we're less because we wear a size 8, or 12, instead of a size 2?
And why is it wrong for me, or any woman, to be insulted and hurt when a male friend is objectifying other women around them? Why is it wrong to speak up?
I know many, many beautiful people. Every single person in my life has beautiful, unique, wonderful qualities. But many of those beautiful people [like myself] can't see those wonderful qualities, because we're too blinded by the popular idea of what we should be, and we can't see all the great attributes of who we are.
I don't want anyone to think I'm arguing against being in shape. On the contrary, I think every person should strive to take care of themselves--mind, body, and spirit--but that doesn't mean not eating, that doesn't mean trying to make yourself someone else. Eat right. Exercise. Make good choices. All of these things only allow you to be the person that you are for a longer amount of time.
But I am arguing against girls being made to feel like they're less. I am arguing against girls being made to feel like they need to live up to the media-driven-myth of perfection.
But I am arguing against girls being made to feel like they're less. I am arguing against girls being made to feel like they need to live up to the media-driven-myth of perfection.
The ladies on The Swan were given boob jobs, liposuction, tummy tucks,
all sorts of fat and synthetic implants. Their teeth were whitened and replaced.
Their hair was dyed, cut, curled, woven, and sprayed.
The very shapes of their features--noses, eyes, chins, lips, ears--were altered
to fit some bizarre modern conception of what beauty was.
In all of that, these women became something else...something that,
in the long run, only pushed more girls into the same vulnerable, hurt place
that they were in before they went on that show. And, as someone
who's struggled with my self image vs. the media's view of what my image should be,
I can only imagine that after all those painful surgeries and procedures,
they didn't feel any more comfortable in their own skin than they did before.
That skin was changed, and was supposed to be better, but it wasn't real.
It was a pre-packed shell that was only considered beautiful because media says so.
This is a topic that makes me very, very upset. It makes me angry, sad, and it hurts me in a way that's hard to put into words. Not to sound melodramatic, but I often think about all the times I cried, poking and prodding at my face, stomach, arms, and legs, wondering why I had to be made in a way that was imperfect, that wasn't beautiful...and then I think about the countless number of girls who I know do the same thing, and it hurts me that they can't see how beautiful they are. It hurts me that it's so hard for me to see how beautiful I am. And I don't just mean physically...
It's up to us, to regular people, to change this. The media uses the female image to sell things [prize horses up for sale, pieces of meat], and they keep doing it because we keep buying it. We watch the shows where the women walk around in bikinis and talk like morons. We read the tabloids that show who's fat and who's anorexic, and we praise the ones who found that "beautiful" middle ground.
We feed the media cash, and they feed us garbage in return.
We eat the garbage, and we grow sick.
What do we do when we're sick?
We turn to the media for a quick fix, and the cycle continues.
We, men and women alike, should love ourselves for who we are.
We, men and women alike, should respect each other, both genders.
We, men and women alike, should fight the machine that tells us what's beautiful,
and instead look at the person without any media-filter.
YOU are beautiful. YOU have talents, attributes, interests, and quirks that make you unique, that make you imperfectly perfect. YOU should let who you are shine bright. Don't try to hide behind a mask. Media is going to change what we consider beautiful time and time again.
Don't let the media make you feel like you're worth less.
Don't let it change you.
I would just like to point out that these beauty standards aren't given to us by the media (aside from the whole fake cosmetics stuff). Men are attracted to what they are (in general) because of biology.
ReplyDeleteMany of the qualities that men find desirable are also the qualities that show how fit they are. We are ruled by the traits of natural selection. Girls with larger chests can feed a child better. Wider hips means more successful child birth (in a time with no hospitals). Tan skin means they are in the sunlight more often and hunt and gather on their own (though I think this is more flimsy--I myself am attracted to pale girls).
I agree with your original premise. It's wrong to force this idea of beauty upon everyone and it is our fault we allow the media to do so.
However, I disagree with the fact that everyone is beautiful. That's not true. Physical beauty is an objective standard (with some deviations). Symmetry is what is sought after. Symmetry means better genes. We are chained by our biological underpinnings. Why should we be upset by that?
My thoughts. Lovely post. You're a gifted writer. Best of luck, mate.
What the media sells as beautiful changes. Its a trend we buy into. 100 years ago, weight was beautiful, and skinny girls were thought of as undesirable. Just recently, an add with Jennifer Love Hewitt was edited to give her smaller boobs...because now small boobs are trendy.
DeleteThere are no doubt physical attributes that have aided the species. But how one defines "beauty" is the culmination of everything they see as desirable, and that is as much a result of our environment and culture as anything else. The history of physical trends shows it. Wide hips and breasts for feeding are, objectively speaking, good in the history of our species' development. I may think one person is beautiful, and you may disagree, but neither of us are wrong. But if someone's hips are more advanced from an evolutionary perspective, then they are.
Beauty is subjective in nature, and perhaps we should subject ourselves to a broader view of what beauty is than what we are attracted to as individuals. Perhaps beauty is more than evolutionary traits, and particularly, what the media tells us is beautiful.
Anonymous (who are you?):
DeleteI don't disagree that biology plays a part, but the "beauty" that I was referring to is on a different scale that just physicality (which I stated). I agree that those traits (large breasts and wider hips) biologically appeal to men. But what about the new beauty standards that dictate that women with thin hips and little to no chests are attractive? Is that biologically attractive? I've know sixteen year old girls who beg their parents for breast reductions, and they're not even fully developed yet. They're still kids, but because the media says "small boobs are in," they feel incomplete if they don't have that. Just a few years ago, it was the opposite. What's the biological reason for that?
"Why should we be upset by that (symmetry)?" Imagine for a moment that you're a thirteen year old girl. You're just beginning to form ideas about yourself, about who you want to be, about the world. But let's say that one eyebrow is slightly lower than the other, or one eyelid droops a little because of nerve damage caused by birth-trauma. Not a big deal, right? Barely noticeable, but at thirteen, it can open the floodgates to what might become a full life of self-deprecation. Why should symmetry matter so much? Who says symmetry is beautiful? My point wasn't that "everyone is 'objectively' beautiful." My point was that every single person, man and woman, has something about them that's worth notice. Physical beauty (though we've elevated it to an extreme) is just one small piece of a person. Everyone IS beautiful. Some are beautiful because they sing, some because they paint, some because they have a knack for thinking things through, some because they enjoy the quiet and the snow, some because they love to feed the birds...I've never met a person who wasn't beautiful in some way.
Lindsey,
Delete***W
hy should symmetry matter so much? Who says symmetry is beautiful?
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Biology. High symmetry is indicative of successful genes. It's the same reason women are attracted to tall, muscular males. Even if their partner isn't like that, these females are still attracted to it. Such males would protect their offspring better. That's all it is.
"The most beautiful women in the world" are all females with astounding levels of body symmetry. That's what humans find attractive at a subconscious level.
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Physical beauty (though we've elevated it to an extreme) is just one small piece of a person. Everyone IS beautiful.
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Physical beauty is the only beauty that matters at first glance (within five seconds of meeting someone of the opposite sex, you have already determined if you would sleep with them). It is then the only beauty that matters as sexual reproduction is considered. You can't mate with someone you find repulsive. You have to be attracted to them.
I agree that everyone has something magnificent about them. But that does not, in my humble opinion, make them beautiful.
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They're still kids, but because the media says "small boobs are in," they feel incomplete if they don't have that. Just a few years ago, it was the opposite. What's the biological reason for that?
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Conformal theory. We are a pack-mind. Group animals. Call it what you will. We strive to fit in. Our media tells us this is what is beautiful and it slowly permeates our thought patterns.
Trust me, I'm more attracted to females with larger chests and hips than super-thin girls. I would wager every guy is. Though, super-thin girls are more glamorous. More elegant. It's an odd result. And that's the kind of woman they want on the cover of their magazine. I tend to think that's all it is.
Vince,
DeleteLovely words. You weave a good tale as well.
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Perhaps beauty is more than evolutionary traits, and particularly, what the media tells us is beautiful.
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I tend to agree. But, and this is my main point, beauty is ingrained in our very DNA. We know what's pretty even as children. This isn't because of some "media poisoning" type thing.
Being overweight will never be attractive. Skin blemishes will never be pretty. Damaged hair with lackluster texture will never be beautiful. All of those are indicators of subpar genes. We instinctively do not want to mate with those people.
And so, I ask, what's wrong with that? What's wrong with the media touting examples of human beauty? Some people are pretty. Others are smart. Others are creative. We do not attack them when their accomplishments are lauded. But when magazines start telling us what's beautiful, that's wrong? I'm afraid I don't get it.
I'm not a particularly attractive male. I have accepted this. But it doesn't bother me. I have other good qualities. So I move on knowing where my skill set lays. We should not strive to tear down the media simply because they are saying what we all think deep down.
Let the beautiful people be beautiful. The only problem comes when others have a sick obsession to emulate everything about them.
Anonymous (seriously, who is this? It's shifty that you won't give us a name),
DeleteTo say that "physical beauty is the only thing that matter at first glance," and then to say that "it is the only beauty that matters as sexual reproduction is considered" implies that people are such single minded, shallow creatures that we can't see past our first, cursory glances. It implies that we are nothing more than animals that meet, sniff each other, and try to reproduce. But that isn't true.
Humans are complex creatures. We may have initial reactions to people (which I will argue are influenced heavily by the media), but I'll also argue that those reactions have the ability to fade into nothing if that person who we initially found unattractive displays qualities (that can't be seen at first glance) that are very attractive.
"We are a pack-mind." You say that "our media tells us this is what beautiful and slowly it permeates our thought patterns." Yet, earlier you said that attraction and beauty was based on biology...here, you're essentially agreeing with me. The media influences what we do and do not find attractive to a certain extent.
Lindsey,
DeleteThe media influences us. Yes. I agree.
It is not a bad thing. It is natural.
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implies that people are such single minded, shallow creatures that we can't see past our first, cursory glances.
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We can't. We are animals ruled by atavistic instincts. Only society keeps us in check. We are not evolved. We are not logical creatures. We are dumb animals.
Take something away from a man. Put him on the brink. And he will turn into a liar and a killer to survive. You would be surprised at the violence you are capable of when it comes down to your continued existence.
It is from this that I extrapolate that, yes, we do pay that much attention to superficial beauty.
My dear Lindsey,
ReplyDeleteAnother thought-provoking blog post that you have written. I just wanted to say that I see women in my office, middle-aged and up, sitting glumly on the couch with images of unattainable beauty stuck in their minds. These women still strive for the tanned, thin, teen ideal: they push up against the encroaching wall of aging with an ever-increasing level of panic and anxiety and so they pluck, tweeze, squeeze, diet, laser, and surgerize themselves. In the end, time wins out of course and so the wrinkles come, the sagging, the recalcitrant adipose tissue around the midline and thighs. The futility of it all makes me sad. Will I become one of those women? I hope not, but it's easy to fall into that trap. (I have a memory of my dad trying to instill in my teen mind: "you don't need to wear that gobbley-gook, i.e. make-up, on your face! you are beautiful as you are!") That memory makes me smile. But sadly, you are right, women are judged by their looks, and beauty is power. Can we change this? I'm a pessimist, so I think not. I think from the social anthropological view of things: media is driven by male perceptions and males judge by their eyes. What is beautiful to them counts. We can start by just loving ourselves and each other.
Floranne
P.S. You are beautiful. :)
Sweet Floranne,
DeleteThank you, again, for reading my blog. To comment on what you're saying about middle-aged women and up, I've see the same thing in very young women...middle school, high school, college, 20s, 30s, 40s...I've been that woman.
Your dad has told all of us not to "wear that gobbley-gook" at some point or another. I used to think it was silly. Now, I think that his insistence that we don't need it is beautiful. It took me marrying someone who basically said the same thing to me for me to begin to see through the gobbley-gook.
You be the pessimist, and I'll be the ever-so-annoying-optimist who says, "We CAN change it. One person at a time." I work with middle school girls at my church, and I see them beginning to struggle with the things I struggled with (I'm not thin enough, I need makeup, I need new clothes, I need new hair), and my heart absolutely breaks into pieces. I know that I can be an influence in their lives, and if that's all I do, then I'll feel like I loved someone almost enough. If I can help those wonderful girls see themselves in a way that helps them love who they are, then we have succeeded.
But you're right...loving ourselves and each other is key. And I think that just by acknowledging that, we've got a pretty good start.
I just wanna know what Vince said then unposted. ;)
ReplyDeleteYou can see his comment below the original comment by "anonymous." He copied and pasted it, so that other readers would know what it was in response to.
DeleteHow biology affects attraction is an evolutionist theory that does not apply to the modern day man, but primitive man. That said, I married Laine because of her breeding hips and her high pitched voice. Scientific research reveals that deep voiced men, such as myself, are attracted to females with high pitched voices. (http://articles.nydailynews.com/2010-05-07/entertainment/27063829_1_voices-attractive-individuals-traits)
ReplyDeleteDr. Ben
Ben,
DeleteI think what you're suggesting is a hybrid of the two arguments currently taking place, which is (in my opinion) the closest to the truth. Thanks for your professional, and personal, opinion! Evolutionary biological attraction, as you said, affects primitive man rather than modern, though, also as you said, remnants of that will of course have carried over into modern people.
I wish I could learn how to state my points as concisely and clearly as you do!
Influence of Biology = look for most attractive mate because of good genes. Perfectly natural, healthy, and has potential for good results.
ReplyDeleteInfluence of Society/Media= if you don't look good, you are worthless and have nothing to offer. Not natural, not healthy, and has zero potential for good.
Lindsey, so you know, I've always thought you are SO pretty-- physically, spiritually, mentally, and in every single way! I'm glad to be able to call you a friend.
-Dana J.
Dana,
DeleteYou make some excellent points! A happy medium between both arguments. Thank you so much for taking the time to read, and reply!
I'm glad to be able to call you my friend, too. You're always such an encouraging person, and such a beautiful person (in every sense of the word).
A common thread in biological studies is the strive for species perfection. Through evolution, a species develops into one better suited to capture/ kill/ harvest prey and most importantly, reproduce in a way that offers the greatest chance for survival.
ReplyDeleteThe media is obsessed with the image of skinny women, but beyond what is biologically necessary. A lithe body is one that can move quickly and properly expend energy as to how our body is made. We are meant to move; to hunt, to gather, to travel our world.
Media would tell us that (using your example images at the bottom of the post) the right-handed woman is more beautiful. However, biologically, the woman on the left would be more attractive. Child-bearing hips and all that.
The media would have us believe that having no body fat is perfection. We're paralyzed even at the mention of 'fat' to the point where we'll turn away from tried-and-true things for replacements that are fat-free yet completely unnatural (lard v. margarine, for example).
I don't believe a 'chubby' woman (to use a commonly traded term for the woman on the left) is unhealthy. Larger than the other? Well yeah, in a physical way of speaking. Uglier or less attractive? Well, I can't speak for everyone there (different strokes for different folks), but i'm certainly not attracted any less. In fact, i'm more attracted to her.
Although, as I type all this out, i'll admit it... I have an issue with 'fat' people. When I say 'fat', I mean above what is medically considered a healthy weight to where they are medically considered Obese. I'm sure you, dear Lindsey, will recall a certain debacle on Google+ relating to a comment I had said about a classmate. I'm not proud of it, but I do believe that there is a significant issue with obesity, and that while some will consider it beautiful, I believe it to be biologically wrong, and... not very pretty to look at.
*Sigh*, i'm sounding pretty hypocritical here. I should probably stop. Anyway, I agree with you Lindsey, wholly and completely.
I think I know what you're saying, Matt. There's a broad spectrum of what's healthy, and I think anything and everything in that spectrum is beautiful. As for obesity...I won't say an obese person isn't beautiful (I use the term beautiful to encompass the entirety of a person, not just their physicality), but I will say that it is unhealthy. Obesity is a medical condition that can be remedied with healthy food and exercise. I think that EVERYONE should try to eat healthy foods and get exercise. I started doing these two things about two years ago with Vince, and I've felt better and better since that point. =]
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