Mental Malady: Another Confession

Sometimes I like to pretend that I can't control where my thoughts go...that my brain simply does what it does, and I'm nothing except a helpless bystander that's being carried away by the tide of my mental synapses. But that's not true. I let myself pretend this, because it's easier to say, It's my brain's fault, than it is to say, I don't have enough self control. I let my thoughts snag on something, whether I know it's true or not, and I let myself get carried away in it.


I'm all about public-blog-confession for myself, because it forces me to come to terms with things. I can come to terms with things all day in my head, but if it's just in my head, nine times out of ten those terms go out the window. Before anyone makes assumptions about where my thoughts go, let me clarify what I mean.

My thoughts stray, more often than is emotionally healthy, to a person from my husband's past. I've been married almost eleven months. In those eleven months, my husband has shown me over and over again how devoted he is to our marriage, how devoted he is to me, and how much he loves me. He's never done anything except pour out his love to me, and work ridiculously hard to help me learn to love myself. Now, I'm definitely on the path toward doing that [loving myself], and I think that perhaps this particular confession is one big step in that direction for me.

Not everyone knows the story of how Vince and I came to be, and not everyone needs to. I will say that it was a tumultuous beginning, one during which he was at the brink of a major life change--deciding whether or not to let go of an old life and start a new one, or try to make that old one work. Needless to say, he chose to let go and start a new life with me. [Neither of us handle change very well, so this was a huge decision for him, and for me.] Since he made that choice, he has been completely devoted to us.

I say all of that so that no one will think that anything I'm about to say is a result of something Vince (or anyone else) has done. Everything that follows is a product of my insecurity, and my inability to love myself for who I am.

As I said, Vince and I have been married for almost eleven months. Next month, I will happily have been Mrs. Frantz for a year. Marrying someone who I can truly call my best friend was always my dream, and now it's my reality. Yet, (and here's where I want to blame my brain) I can't let go of his past.

A few very close friends know all this...they're the only ones I felt safe enough to confide in with my fears and struggles. Because it was secret, it was easier for me to let it keep happening. Just like an alcoholic has an easier time feeding their addiction in secret, I allowed these thoughts and fears to live in my brain, because no one really knew how deep their roots were. If no one knew, if I could keep it a secret, then it wouldn't exist to anyone but me.

I've considered writing this blog a hundred times. I haven't, because I fear judgment. I fear people will say, If she's feeling that way, they shouldn't have gotten married. I even fear that people will say that I fall short in the comparisons I make. Even as I write this, and proofread, I'm scared of what people will think.

In my head, I compare myself to her, to Vince's ex, all the time. It's not healthy to compare yourself to anyone, but it's really unhealthy to compare yourself to your husband's ex. Many will say, If he wanted to be with her, he would be. He chose you, so be happy in that. Even though that's true--he did choose to be with me just like I chose to be with him--there's still a sense of competition in that. It was never a competition...it wasn't me against her, winner gets Vince. It was, instead, the collision of three lives, during which people got hurt, people learned, people got angry, people were glad, people had joy, and people were just people. The end result was a new path for all three of us, but there was never a competition.

And that's what I have to keep telling myself. I was never competing with her for Vince. I'm not competing with her now. Except...I am. In my head anyway. I know I shouldn't. I know there's nothing actually to compete with. I know that she's happy in her life (which makes me glad), and I know that he and I are happy in our lives (which also makes me glad), and I know that her life and ours are now separate. But, in my head, I still compete.

It makes me feel like I'm going crazy.

When I'm comparing myself, Vince can tell a difference in the way I behave. He doesn't know what I'm doing in my head, but he knows that I don't react the same, I don't behave the same...and I know that I don't show him how much I love him like I should, because I'm too wrapped up in the drama I'm creating in my head.

When I'm not comparing myself to her [or anyone else] things are so much smoother. I'm happier, which makes Vince noticeably happier. When I suffer [even when it's from a mental malady that's self inflicted] I see him suffer with me.

If not comparing myself to her, or anyone, makes me happy, and it makes him happy, 

then why don't I stop?

Our marriage isn't perfect, no marriage is perfect, but our life together, the story that we're writing, is my favorite story of all. I've added more than my share of plot points with conflict to it already, because of the lies that I allow to live in my brain. But now, I'm confessing this to you, whoever happens to read this blog, so that I can be held accountable.

It would be so much easier if I just ignored all this and said to myself, Your brain's gonna do what your brain's gonna do. Get used to it. You can handle it. But I know that's a lie, and there's no more room for lies in my head. So, here are some truths that I don't quite believe [not fully, not yet], but that I want to believe in my heart. I know them in my head, but I want to know them fully, without any doubt.

My husband loves me, because of who I am.

I have my own talents.

I'm beautiful in my way, and no one else's.

I'm smart and I'm funny.

I'm not her, I'm not anyone in the world but me, and that's wonderful.

And last, but definitely not least, 

God made me who I am. 

As with all growth, it's going to take time. I've spent over 20 years comparing myself to other girls. This comparison is the hardest of all only because it affects the person I love most in the world. But maybe that will help give me the strength to change my belief system about myself. Vince tells me all the time, You have to learn to love yourself, before you're gonna believe that I love you. To love myself, I have to quit thinking that I should be like anyone, but me.

(Thank you, Jasmine, for sharing the following verses with me! You're such a sweet, sweet person.)

Galatians 5:25-26

Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original.