I Want to Be a Tree

16-year-old me.
I thought I was fat...

My whole life I've wanted nothing more than to be skinny. As a girl, and as an adult, being skinny was the ultimate accomplishment. The skinnier, the better, I thought.

After my 50 pound gain.
My expression is accurate.

I went away to college when I was 18, and about a year and a half later I stepped on a scale and realized I'd gained 50 pounds. I looked back at high school pictures and thought, "I didn't know that I looked like that when I looked like that!" 

Since then, over the last six or seven years, I've tried different tactics to lose weight. Weight Watchers, crash dieting, mild exercise, calorie counting...some worked, some didn't, but I would lose, then gain back. I wasn't ever happier, even after weight loss.

When Vince and I were dating, we got a dog. An energetic doberman named Juno. Energetic dobermans needs walks. The three of us started walked every day. We walked and walked. Pounds started melting off, but like any change in routine, eventually that plateaued too. I thought, as I had so many times in my life, I'll always be like this. I'll always be ugly.

Despite my less-than-toned physique, Vince asked me to marry him. We only gave ourselves two weeks to prepare for the wedding, but during those two weeks, we worked out, and we worked hard. In two weeks, your body doesn't change too much, but it was the thing that kickstarted my desire to be fit.

Vince and I talked about wanting to be in shape so that we could stick around with our kids for a long, long time. We wanted to be fit so that we could run and play with them, and do all the things younger people do. (He's been an athlete for a good portion of his life, so he started on his fitness journey with me at a much more advanced place.) I've never been athletic, or in shape. I've always been the reader, the writer, the doodler, the sitter, the couch-potatoe. Now, in my mid-to-late twenties, I've started becoming the one who is in shape.

A friend of mine wrote me today...she said that she was worried about me, because my focus seemed to be so dedicated to being thin. Her message woke something up inside of me. Do I still just want to be that skinny girl that I idolized my whole life? Or do I want to be in shape? And most of all, who am I doing this for? 

Being trim is still a goal of mine, but more than that, I just want to be healthy, and strong. I could lie and say that I'm doing this just for me, but I'm not. A part of me still thinks, If I can tighten up my arms, if I can shrink and harden my tummy, Vince will be more attracted to me. But it's a small part of me that thinks that, and it's shrinking every day. I want to be fit for me, and so that I can live a long, healthy life with Vince and our future children. 

I've started drinking more water. 

I don't like water all that much, but I feel so much better already!

I made myself a workout plan, so that I wasn't going at it willy nilly. 

Goals and directions help me focus.

I have a workout buddy! 

Melanie is such an encouragement!

I have family support. 

Vince, mom, dad, and my friends all push me to keep going.

I take Zumba classes, and I recently started Yoga! 

Regular structure keeps me going, too.

I've made myself become aware of what I eat, and I eat every 3-4 hours. 

Your body needs fuel! Fuel it with the right things!

It's never too late to start taking care of yourself. I'm lucky enough to have a huge support group that encourages me, pushes me, and supports me when I need it, and that loves me enough to challenge me to think about things in a new way, even when it's uncomfortable, so that I can grow. Like a tree, I want to sink my roots deep in soil that will nourish me and keep me growing for a long time. I want to stand tall and proud, and not hide the person that I am.

My first yoga photo. I'm a tree!
[Left to right: Kimmy, Justin, and the aforementioned Melanie!]

If you'd like to read more blogs of mine about health, fitness, weight gain & loss, diet, and exercise, click the tab above that says "I Want to Be a Tree" or click here!