Hyper-Focus

Sometimes, I have trouble focusing. I'll have a project to edit, or a paper due, or laundry to be done, or dishes to wash, and suddenly I can't focus on the thing I need to do because distractions pop up everywhere.

Other times, I hyper-focus.  I'll get something in my head, and it's all I can do to try and think about something else.

The first one, I think, is a pretty common thing. We have something that needs to be done, that may not be that much fun, and we make excuses so we don't have to do it. The second one, though...it worries me sometimes. Let me explain why.

When I say I hyper-focus, I mean that to an extreme...I'll get something in my head, like crocheting, and it's like my fingers get twitchy until I'm trying out whatever crochet idea I had up there. And that's on a good day. On a bad day, it might be the way someone's eyes, or hair, or clothes look, and the fact that I need to try everything I can to look that way, too, and if I can't, my whole body gets twitchy. My shoulders hunch, I wrap my arms around my stomach, I stutter and my eyes dart around.

Crazy person.

I find myself, a lot of the time, comparing the way that I look, talk, act, am, to the girls that are either around me, or the girls that are/were in my husband's life. That's not healthy. Not at all, but I keep doing it. It's not every girl...there are lots of girls that are beautiful, wonderful people, that I don't feel any need to compare myself to. But there are other beautiful, wonderful girls that we both know, that whenever they're around, or are brought up, or I think about them, become these perfect standards that I'll never live up to. Sometimes, it's a random photograph of one of his ex-girlfriends, sometimes it's a friend of ours, or his, or mine, sometimes it's a random girl in a store that is wearing a style of clothing that I know he likes because I've worn it before.

Simply noticing these things wouldn't be a big deal. Even the fact that these things bug me wouldn't be a big deal, if I brushed them off. But these things sit with me...they grow like mold on an old shower curtain that never gets to dry out.

I understand that my insecurity makes me view the world in a skewed way, and most of the time, I recognize this skewed version of reality and can point it out to myself as false. But...I still hyper-focus on the problems that I see...the problems with myself. And these problems arise because I compare myself to these other girls...and because I'm comparing myself, and finding fault in myself, these other girls themselves become the objects of focus.

Crazy Person. 

Have I said that yet?

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to see a girl and immediately start comparing myself to her. Her hair, her clothes, her height, her weight, her muscle tone, her style, her eyes, her lips, her hair, her skin, her voice, her mannerisms, how smart she is, how clever she is, how funny she is, how much she has in common with my husband or my other friends. I don't want to do this anymore...I don't want to be jealous. I don't want to be insecure. I don't want to hyper-focus on these things that make me not like who I am, or make me want to be someone else, or make me worry that I won't ever be good enough for my husband. I want to be happy being me, and quit worrying about everyone else.