Hyper-Focus

Sometimes, I have trouble focusing. I'll have a project to edit, or a paper due, or laundry to be done, or dishes to wash, and suddenly I can't focus on the thing I need to do because distractions pop up everywhere.

Other times, I hyper-focus.  I'll get something in my head, and it's all I can do to try and think about something else.

The first one, I think, is a pretty common thing. We have something that needs to be done, that may not be that much fun, and we make excuses so we don't have to do it. The second one, though...it worries me sometimes. Let me explain why.

When I say I hyper-focus, I mean that to an extreme...I'll get something in my head, like crocheting, and it's like my fingers get twitchy until I'm trying out whatever crochet idea I had up there. And that's on a good day. On a bad day, it might be the way someone's eyes, or hair, or clothes look, and the fact that I need to try everything I can to look that way, too, and if I can't, my whole body gets twitchy. My shoulders hunch, I wrap my arms around my stomach, I stutter and my eyes dart around.

Crazy person.

I find myself, a lot of the time, comparing the way that I look, talk, act, am, to the girls that are either around me, or the girls that are/were in my husband's life. That's not healthy. Not at all, but I keep doing it. It's not every girl...there are lots of girls that are beautiful, wonderful people, that I don't feel any need to compare myself to. But there are other beautiful, wonderful girls that we both know, that whenever they're around, or are brought up, or I think about them, become these perfect standards that I'll never live up to. Sometimes, it's a random photograph of one of his ex-girlfriends, sometimes it's a friend of ours, or his, or mine, sometimes it's a random girl in a store that is wearing a style of clothing that I know he likes because I've worn it before.

Simply noticing these things wouldn't be a big deal. Even the fact that these things bug me wouldn't be a big deal, if I brushed them off. But these things sit with me...they grow like mold on an old shower curtain that never gets to dry out.

I understand that my insecurity makes me view the world in a skewed way, and most of the time, I recognize this skewed version of reality and can point it out to myself as false. But...I still hyper-focus on the problems that I see...the problems with myself. And these problems arise because I compare myself to these other girls...and because I'm comparing myself, and finding fault in myself, these other girls themselves become the objects of focus.

Crazy Person. 

Have I said that yet?

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to see a girl and immediately start comparing myself to her. Her hair, her clothes, her height, her weight, her muscle tone, her style, her eyes, her lips, her hair, her skin, her voice, her mannerisms, how smart she is, how clever she is, how funny she is, how much she has in common with my husband or my other friends. I don't want to do this anymore...I don't want to be jealous. I don't want to be insecure. I don't want to hyper-focus on these things that make me not like who I am, or make me want to be someone else, or make me worry that I won't ever be good enough for my husband. I want to be happy being me, and quit worrying about everyone else.

Notes on Love (or Love is a Verb)

Generally, I write big, long-winded paragraphs about what I'm thinking...they don't always make sense, and they often drag on and on. So, this time, I want to share just some quick, simple thoughts I've been having about love lately.

Love is a verb, an action verb. We do it. 

It doesn't just happen.

We have to choose to love.

It doesn't just happen.

No relationship is easy, [Romantic, Friendship, Family]
but if you stick them out, and love actively,
most of them can be pretty wonderful.

Forgiveness goes hand-in-hand with loving. 

If someone messes up, forgive them, because 

if you don't all that negativity will linger and fester.

Misunderstandings will happen. When they do, talk things out.
Don't let things go unresolved.
Approach these conversations with an open mind and a soft heart.

Be willing to compromise. 

Be willing to not always get your way. 

Sometimes, fulfilling someone else for a moment 

is worth much more than being fulfilled yourself. 

And sometimes, fulfilling someone else 

can fulfill you at the same time.

Your heart is going to break sometimes. When it does,
don't let that result in your thinking that there's something wrong with you.
Your heart breaks when you leave it open to love.
Be cautious with it, guard it, but don't close it.

Don't judge people. 

You don't have to like everyone, 

but don't look down on someone 

just because they aren't like you, 

or don't look at the world like you do. 

You wouldn't want them to do that to you.

Be honest in a way that tells the whole truth
without ripping someone apart.
Be honest, stand your ground,
but be aware of how your words
and how your tone can make someone feel.

Don't retaliate. An eye for an eye 

will only result in more pain. More strife.

Love is
beautiful,
wonderful,
difficult,
kind.
Love is a choice.
Love is worth it.

Be Passionate, Be True to You, Be Kind

Be passionate about what you believe in. Don't lay down and give up on what you believe, but do so and strive to be kind, loving, and respectful. Otherwise, your argument loses all it's power, and you unnecessarily hurt the person you're talking with.

Ever since I was a little girl, I've had trouble keeping my sharp tongue in check. I used to smart off to my mom, bite my brother's head off, be rude to my dad, to my friends. Just after high school, I realized what I was doing and tried to not talk that way. But it was really hard not to slip back into it.

Just recently, I've reevaluated that way of talking to/arguing with people, and I've realized that disagreeing is okay. I used to think that if you disagreed that meant you were hurting that other person, or being mean. But that's not true. You can disagree, stick to your guns, and be passionate about what you're talking about and still be kind.

Let's say you disagree with someone about where you want to eat dinner, and for some reason, this really really upsets you. You have a few options.

[1] You tell the person you're arguing with that they're stupid, and you get mad. 

[2] You tell the other person that it really upsets you that they won't go where you'd like to go.

Now, granted, this is probably a terrible example of a good idea, because who's going to get that upset over food, but I've had arguments over lesser things with worse results. Either way, I think it's pretty clear which response is the one I'm advocating here. Both responses give the same answer, but one hurts the other person by tearing them down unnecessarily, while the other clearly expresses that you're upset, even angry, but you aren't taking jabs at the other person. In this way, I think your argument is augmented, more true, because you were respectful, and didn't back down without a good reason.

I can be one of the worst people when it comes to these choices. If I'm losing an argument, or my emotions start to run high, I can lose my head and take below-the-belt jabs. But I hate doing that. I realize, after countless arguments, what the difference was between an argument that left me, or the person I was arguing with, feel like poo, and an argument that was easy to dissolve with a compromise or an apology. The difference was they way we talk to each other.

You can disagree, and be respectful. You can disagree, and say exactly what you need to say, and be kind. You can passionately debate your side of something, and still be loving. I'm learning this, bit-by-bit, and I wanted to share it, so that maybe we can talk about it and help each other.