Have you ever been in a room surrounded by people you love, people who love you, and felt totally and completely out of place? Totally and completely isolated? Like you're the third or fifth or whichever odd-numbered-wheel? It can be one of the saddest feelings...
If you've ever felt this way, I'm betting someone has told you that you weren't seeing the whole picture...that you were being melodramatic, or ignoring things and focusing instead on your emotions. Maybe that's true. Maybe that's what I do. But that doesn't mean that, when you're in that situation, it sucks any less.
Feeling left out is one thing that I struggle with a lot. I don't want all the attention all the time. I don't want all eyes on me. But, when I have something I want to say, it's nice to be heard, to be listened to. Or, when you're saying something, it's nice for people to, even if they aren't all that interested, to let you finish before they change the subject, or say something like, "As interesting as this is..." before they move on to whatever it is they want to talk about. It hurts to be at the bottom of the totem pole.
But...maybe isolation is best. I've noticed that when I put myself in situations with other people, and let my hopes get up that something great is going to happen, I find myself let down more often than not. But, what if I just kept myself apart more? What if instead of expecting things to happen, I just trained myself to enjoy being alone, so that when I was with people, I wouldn't expect anything at all. If I was ignored, it wouldn't be any different than being by myself. Nothing would have changed.
I'm tired of whining to my friends whenever I feel sad. I'm tired of writing these blogs whenever something hurts my feelings or makes me mad. I'm tired of feeling bad about things...
The good thing about being the odd man out is, when you do separate yourself from the group, it doesn't change their dynamic, so at least you're not upsetting or altering what they're doing. With the exception of one less body in the room, their activities will go on just as they had before. The bad thing about it is...you're still the odd man out. You're still alone. And if you're anything like me, that's no fun. (But, like I said, maybe it's time to start training myself to like that...like eating celery, at first it tastes awful, but after you eat it a hundred times, it starts to grown on you.)
it's a feeling I have felt most of my life. Even those moments when you seem like everything is great it's in the back of your mind...you feel like you just don't quite fit. It's especially bad when you can't be apart of what is going on. I completely understand and if you ever need someone to just say..."I know it's the worst right?" I'm here. I love you!
ReplyDeleteI've always felt this way too. I want to "fit in" without being aware that I'm fitting in or that I ever felt like I didn't fit in...does that make sense? And in the moments when I have felt like I "fit in" I remember being AWARE of it the whole time, relishing it, fearful that eventually I would go back to not fitting in, and then being mad at myself for being aware of all this while having that one rare moment of fitting in and not just enjoying it.
ReplyDeleteTay - That's exactly how I feel sometimes. Sometimes I convince myself that I'm just broken, but I think it's more of just a deep seeded insecurity that creeps in and won't let me see things for how they really are. If you ever get a text about it though, don't be surprised. Love you, too!!
ReplyDeleteLaine - I know exactly what you mean...I wish that I could just not even think about it, because that would eliminate the problem completely.
Again, I'm loving watching you grow. Linds, I think you are really on to something with learning to be alone and be content with that. As I am getting older I am realizing that I don't have to be around people all the time, or be fighting to be center of attention all the time. I think this is especially hard in our society. We are conditioned to be the best, to be the funniest, the smartest, the most outgoing, but why? Why do we need to say the best joke? Or talk about this fascinating new article we read online? Why can't we just be content in the silence? Be happy alone? I tell you what, when I finally realized this my stress level went down by like 90%. When we aren't trying to perform for everyone we start enjoying life! We start observing people, we pay attention to the beautiful day God has given us, notice the good in people (and also the bad) but I encourage you to separate yourself from situations that make you feel left out and take time to learn more about yourself.
ReplyDeleteAfter you become comfortable being alone and you get to know yourself more I find it really interesting to start paying attention to people but as an outsider. Watch what they do, listen to what the say, you'll learn a lot about people. And the beautiful part is that you can help these people. If you notice that someone is having a bad day, they look stressed out, do something to make them smile. Joy can go a long way my dear. And once you find the joy in yourself you can pass it to everyone you come in contact with. <3
PS http://pinterest.com/pin/50384089551013218/ hahaha that's what you should say to the next person who interrupts you!
ReplyDeleteThis is something I deal with a lot. I suffer from anxiety and depression and sometimes I can be having a blast with a group of people; while other times I feel so out of place and like no one wants me around. For me, it's just an insecurity thing. I've noticed if I just tough it out and think positive things, it does get better.
ReplyDeleteTypically I end up crying for a minute, come back and I'm fine.. like nothing ever happened. I always make sure to explain to people that I have anxiety so they know they didn't do anything wrong.
I don't think I have anxiety, but maybe I do...maybe that's why I get so, well, anxious around groups of people. Every time.
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