I sit and stare at the clouds and wonder what they mean.
I sit and stare at people, and wonder what they see
that I don't see. What they see about me,
can they see through me?
I try to be reasonable about things. At least, I try to try. But my emotions carry me away like sand in the ocean. I don't float along on top and eventually come to a stop a few feet down shore still intact.
I scatter.
I sink into the silt at the bottom and get all blended up and lost. Sometimes I wonder if I've ever come back together after one of my meltdowns, my panic attacks, my freak-out-like-a-crazy-person-episodes. Maybe I just keep spreading. Keep drifting further and further away from what I was before...maybe what I'm drifting away from was worse, maybe it was better, but I don't think I can get back there.
Have you ever added salt to a pot of water to help it boil faster? At first, you see the grains sink to the bottom. They're separated, but they're each there. But after a while, they melt. The water boils, but the salt is gone, changed...Maybe this is a great thing, and maybe it's terrible, but I think I'm the salt. I think I'm the sand. I think I'm the thing that keeps breaking apart, separating, and dissolving into something else...
I sit and stare at the clouds - Uh-oh will men come a put me in a white, straight jacket *cries* I must be crazy too!!! ... Once again beautifully written. When I boil potatoes and add salt I'll no doubt think of you - and question my sanity. Hehe.
ReplyDeleteLinds,
ReplyDeleteThese things you have confessed above do not make you a crazy person, they actually make you a woman...which is good because that's what you are. It is so strange because I was literally talking to someone about this earlier today, but what you described how you scatter, how you melt, how you mold, it's in our DNA as women, it is how God designed us. He designed us to see all things, not just one thing. He created us to observe and to know what is happening around us, and to adapt to what is happening. Do not be afraid that you are disappearing, melting into the water, you are just taking all the things you are learning and transforming into a more and more beautiful woman inside and out. Love you.
You know what? Crazy people do not think they're crazy because they are so far gone that they cannot recognize how strange they are being. This is how I know you're not crazy :)
ReplyDeleteI do the same things. Do you have anxiety because I do and sometimes I feel like I leave my body and zone out like a total weirdo :P
We're just more intuitive I think! :)
Intuitive is a lovely way to put it. =]
DeleteAnd I like the way you think about being crazy!! Makes me feel less crazy, because a lot of the time I think I'm super crazy...crazy. ;)