Chop Off the Monster's Head

Jealousy is an ugly thing. 

It's one of those things that creeps up on you, unawares, and yanks your feet out from under you. Then, when you're on your face, it comes and stomps on all of your fingers. It punches you, and kicks you, and insists that you hate yourself. It's a monster that you don't see coming until it's already too late.

It's weird how it works. 

Jealousy works on your soul in a way that makes you feel like less. Makes you feel inadequate, not good enough. Whatever or whoever you're jealous of becomes this untouchable things that you put yourself up against, and in the end, you always fall short. You aren't tall enough, aren't short enough, aren't pretty enough, aren't skinny enough, aren't funny enough, aren't serious enough, aren't enough. Never enough.

It's horrible,

and it will kill you, if you let it.

I have a real problem with jealousy. I find myself getting jealous of so many things. I feel silly afterward, a lot of the time, but I also still feel jealous. Whether it's of something someone has, or the way someone looks, or the amount of time I get to talk in a conversation...I get jealous for lots and lots and lots of reasons. My jealousy is like a living thing that I can't control...that sometimes controls me.

Jealousy doesn't make sense. 

One minute, you might be completely okay, happy, laughing, calm. And the next, after that stressor is introduced, you might be sad, angry, tense, scared.


In my experience, the stressor is generally self-induced. Meaning, it's something that is all in  your mind...it's born there, nourished in the soil of your insecurities, and grown into an all-consuming monster. The real kicker is, it's so ingrained as a part of us, we become blinded to the fact that only we can chop off its head.


I see this happening in my life almost daily. I had a talk with Vince, my husband, the other day. I expressed to him in oh-so-eloquent terms (that was sarcasm) that I was jealous of the way another woman looked. It wasn't relevant to anything that was happening at that moment. I just happened to look at a picture of this person, and blurt it out. "I'm jealous of Susan." (Her name isn't really Susan, in case anyone was wondering.) He asked me why, and I told him, "Because she's prettier than me." He asked what I meant by that. He asked question after question...until I realized I didn't have a real answer. I had my own opinion about what pretty was, coupled with, and based on, what the media told me what pretty was, and compounded by my deep standing insecurities about my own appearance. My jealousy, which was a very real feeling that ran with very strong emotions, was based on me--my perception of reality, and of myself.


Vince made me think about what it was I was feeling. He made me break it down so that I had to look at it in pieces. I had to push aside, or at least try to push aside, the emotions that went along with my jealousy. He forced into the light that my jealousy was stemming from my brain, from facts that weren't facts at all, but my own perception, and the only way to counteract that, was to realize that what I was believing wasn't truth, but opinion, and that that opinion was based on unreality.

He made me see that I needed to chop off the monster's head.

But I grew this monster. I fostered it. I fed it. I raised it from infancy. It was as much a part of me as my arms and legs. But it wasn't a healthy limb. If I left it there, it would rot, and eventually, it would kill me.


I don't mean to say that, because I now realize my jealousy's foundation is unstable that I can fix it all at once. That would be silly. Rather, now that I can see my jealousy for what it is, I can begin to deal with it, one insane episode at a time.


I feel myself start to get jealous.
I feel my heart start to pound,
my cheeks go red,
the tears start to well up in my eyes,
and then I think...

is this real?

Or is it all in my head?

Why do I feel this way?

Why?

And that doesn't make it go away, but that makes it manageable. That makes the monster a little bit less scary. And when the monster is less scary, you can start to fight back. After a while, that monster that's tangled itself up in your mind will be small enough to manage, and then you can chop off its head.

It won't be something that changes in a day, or a week, but I know it'll happen. As long as we remember what's real, and what isn't. As long as we stop to think about why we feel a certain way, and what we're basing it on. As long as we remember to search for truth, and to ignore the things that influence us with falsehoods. As long as we remember all of this, that monster, Jealousy, won't have any place in us. And that will be a beautiful, beautiful thing.