House of Cards

Matters of the heart are always more convoluted than they appear to be from the outside. There’s never a black and white, just shades of gray. We tend to think in rights and wrongs, rather than in layers, which is a shame. I mean, it’s easier to think that way, because the choices are more clear cut, but that’s just not how the world works. And when we begin to realize there are layers, we can start to feel bogged down. In my life, I try my hardest to see those layers, to see every possible angle and outcome, and while I’m more informed that way, I sometimes feel like I’m in limbo. And in limbo, minutes feel like hours, and hours feel like days.

I’ve noticed lately that when it comes to relationships (and I’m talking person-to-person relationships here, not necessarily romantic relationships), the ground never feels even. My footing is never sure. There are times when I feel secure and solid, but when it comes to dealing with people, things are always shifting and changing. Which is why, for EVERY relationship, I know to get through it without harm your foundation has to be God, and not that other person.

I say all of this because I tend to let my joy and my stability and my mood depend on the people around me, or the person I’m with. Whether it be a friend, a boyfriend, a family member, or a group of people, I base my emotions, my feelings, my mood, my thoughts, on other people. And I’m realizing slowly, oh so slowly, that the reason I always feel like my footing isn’t sure is because my base, my foundation, isn’t God, it’s people. The reason I maneuver myself into limbo, and get stuck there where everything feels like it’s dragging by through wet cement, is because my foundation isn’t what it should be.

I’m fairly certain that no matter what is going on in my life, no matter how happy I am, I can look over and see storm clouds brewing on the horizon. Even in my happiest moments, that threat has always and will always loom. Not that I’m saying I should be scared of that, or worried about it, but that that’s just what life is. Storms can be lethal, can be deadly, but if my foundation is God, then why would I worry about a storm? Or about people shifting and changing? If all of my trust, all of my hope, all of my faith is in God, then why should I fret?

Living on a foundation based on the people in my life is like living in a house of cards. Don’t get me wrong, the people in my life are beautiful, wonderful, amazing people that I can’t imagine living without, but they’re still real, flawed, people, like me. But if I depend on them for my stability, it’s possible that the slightest breeze can knock everything over. Now, if GOD is that base, then not only can I trust that my house, my foundation, my support, is secure, but I can trust that with a secure foundation, everything else will hold up just fine.

With God, all of those shades of gray, all of those moments where limbo is every looming, all of these things are suddenly manageable. They’re okay, because no matter what, my feet are steady, my heart is steady, and I know without a doubt that everything will be good, because God is there.