Sunday, March 17, 2013

A Series on Struggles: Hyperactive Emotions

Number Three:
Hyperactive Emotions

Since I was little I've been a very emotional person. If something made me a little sad, I'd probably cry. If I thought something was a little mean, I'd probably get angry. If something was the least bit happy, I'd probably get really excited.

This can be good and it can be very, very bad. As I get older, I'm leaning more toward it being a very bad thing most of the time. I mean, is it good that I can be happy for people easily? Yes! But more often than not, I get my feelings hurt, I react poorly to something someone says or does, or I misinterpret things and react with my emotions before my head can catch up and it causes pain to either myself or the person I'm interacting with.

I'm starting to hate being this emotional and this sensitive. I keep asking myself why I'm like this. I don't want to be like this. Rather, I want to be able to take a joke and roll with it. I want to be able to brush off insults (imagined or real). I want to be able to be in an exciting or happy situation and not act like a moron. I don't want to cry all the time. I don't want to be this emotional roller coaster, because frankly, it's starting to make me nauseated. All the ups and downs and loop-de-loops are starting to wear on me in a very real way. I'm constantly afraid that I'm going to react to something someone says in the wrong way, and that makes me more tense, which makes my emotional sensitivity that much stronger. It's cliche, but it's a vicious cycle that I can't seem to find my way out of.

I like that I can experience emotions...but I feel like, more and more, I don't just experience them, I let them take me over.

When I was a teenager, I got dumped a few times. Every teenager gets dumped, but I felt like I was dying. I was told a few times that I was acting insane. In retrospect, I was. I was definitely experiencing those emotions fully, but should I have felt them so strongly? Should I have let them have such control over my body? My mind? My interactions with others? That was a decade ago, and I still let my emotions control me that much, if not more.

When Vince and I argue, again, it often feels like I physically won't survive it. Our arguments aren't generally that bad, but if I let the reins on my emotions loose, even a little bit, it's all over. I feel like it's the end. I'm aware of how crazy that sounds, but in those moments, those emotions are true.
Are they valid?
No.
Are they reasonable?
No.
But are they there? Are they almost tangible for me in those times?
Yes.

It all just makes me very tired. Ninety percent of the time none of this is an issue, but those times in the ten percent range--where my emotions pour out of me like lava spewing from a volcano--are so overwhelming and uncontrollable (even the good times) that I know it has to stop.

Recently I've been able to calm myself sometimes by using breathing techniques I learned in yoga. I sometimes practice my ocean breath (ujjayi pranayama) and my equal ratio breath (sami vritti) during times when I feel like sadness, or anger, or panic threaten to overtake me, but a lot of the time my emotional reaction takes me by surprise and causes upset and turmoil in my life.

I hope to use some things I'm learning in yoga (to help calm me down) as well as prayer and creative outlets to help offset these emotional time bombs ticking away in my head. Writing about it helps a lot, even if you all think I'm nutso now. Maybe, now that this too is out there in digital limbo, I can start working toward being a calmer, more rational human being.

2 comments:

  1. I too struggle with my emotions ruling me. At the first of the year, when there was a lot of stuff going on, I made a decision: I will choose joy. If I'm going to be ruled by an emotion or emotions, then dadgumit I'm gonna choose which one it is! I was tested six ways from Sunday on that choice, but I survived it. I camped on Philippians 4:6-9, and I even have it stored on my notes in iPhone so when I catch myself starting to feel all cray-cray emotional, I start thinking on what is lovely, what is pure, what I'm thankful for. I saw the following the other day from one of my favourite Bible teaching sites and it was really helpful to me, because I also struggle with my actions having to equal the emotion. It's kind of like choosing joy...sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do regardless of what emotion is flittering around inside of you. A very wise man once told me that emotions are fickle, but they'll sure make you believe they're real. I can tell you that in the two and a half months that I've been doing this, a lot of old demons, and one in particular that you know I struggled with, are gone. Completely. Praise the LORD! Ben thinks he has a brand new wife - and maybe he does ;) Chin up Linz - you're amazing!


    "When buffeted by malicious powers we are likely to feel as green and as limp as wilted spinach. We must understand that authority has nothing to do with how vibrant we feel. A police officer has as much authority when he is tired as when he is fresh. A bed-ridden king has more authority than a nobleman in the prime of manhood. The issue is not how strong we feel, but whether we are in spiritual union with the One granted all authority in heaven and earth." Grantley Morris

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  2. This is the reason i think Yoga would be good for me. I think it would be so good for the soul. Great post my friend.

    ~Keith

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