It's in the moment of quiet when it comes after me, this need, this compulsion, to compare myself...In these moments of quiet, these moments in the dark, I fall short. I compare myself to those I see as more lovely than me...the ones I see as having more talent, more beauty, more perks.
I have a list on my computer that I keep...a list of all the ways I could be better, a list of all the things that I'm not. I've deleted this list a few times...But, over and over again, I rewrite it. I add things, I forget things, I change things, but there's always a list.
Last month I took a step...I kept this journal hidden in the drawer beside my bed. I say "hidden" because only my husband knew where it was, and he wouldn't ever read it without asking me first. I have a few journals, but this was the journal where I wrote all the negative things about myself...both real and perceived. I wrote them in reaction to my internal comparison to others...Last month, I ripped out those pages--the pages with comparison and negativity streaming off them. I ripped them out, and then I ripped them up. Vince even made a note of it on our calendar...It was a powerful moment for me.
But still...I keep my list. I compare. I fall short. It's a cycle that I travel around, beat, have a day of rest, and begin again. I want to break that cycle...but I'm not sure how. At least not yet...
As Theodore Roosevelt said, "Comparison is the thief of joy." This is truth. This is what we should remember.
You'll figure out how to break it. It's hard to say when and it may take try after try after try, but you'll get there because you are already on the path of changing :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouragement. =]
DeleteLindsey, your writing is so raw, fresh, vivid, and honest. Beautiful.
ReplyDeleteFloranne, Thank you for reading this! I think raw is definitely a term I'd apply to my own writing...I think I use my blog as a pressure valve, so you guys get all the steam when it builds up too much. =] Love you, and miss you!
DeleteIn all this craziness Linz, you and I are blessed to have 2 wonderful men who are willing to listen to us, love us through these moments, and reassure us that we are, after all, loved and adored by them. I too was having a "night" last night and Ben just loved me through it...I think that is why he's home today too ;) I think sometimes if we just look at our hubby's and realize that they're here (still), with US (still), then that's sayin' something (still). xx
ReplyDeleteLaine, You're exactly right. I've been having more and more "nights" lately...and days...and weeks. :S I wish, a lot of the time, that I didn't have the carry this burden. (I know you know what I'm talking about.) But, you're right when you say that we have husbands who are there to love us through it...it's just hard to really KNOW that he loves me, when I'm not even sure I love myself...if I don't, how can he? Anyway, thanks for reading, as always. <3.
DeleteLindsey!
ReplyDeleteI cried while reading this. I just want to say this..
1. YOU ARE beautiful, talented and hilarious. There are so many things about you that I love, and I've only talked to you in person TWICE!
2. Even if you weren't all of those things, if you were an average looking person, average skilled, and not that funny, you are still a person who has so much love for people and God. You have the kindest heart and soul! THAT tells more than any physical beauty ever could. You're just lucky enough to have it all!
And anyways, what's it matter in the end? Who cares if you're the goddess of beauty? What does that get you in the end? A life of being pretty, and probably placing yourself on a pedestal that your heart couldn't hold up.
It kills me to see such a wonderful person so down on herself. YOU ARE amazing, Lindsey!
Loni, YOU are amazing. I didn't want to make you cry!! And I appreciate your loving words SO much!! And you're dead on...what does it matter if you're beautiful or not? It matters to me, and it shouldn't...thank you for reminding me of that...You're such an amazing person. Let's change it from hanging out only twice, to hanging out a LOT! <3
DeleteLindsey, let me start by saying (again) that I miss you. Very sincerely. You happen to be one of the most gorgeous people I know, in many ways. I sympathize with giving yourself too hard of a time, but rest assured--you are lovely, talented, kind-hearted, and intelligent. you have many, many things going for you, so let that remind you to stay positive and learn to LOVE yourself. Every time you start to vent about yourself, recall all the wonderful things that you really are! I would love to see you very, very soon. weekends are flexible for me, let's do this! :)
ReplyDeleteLOVE mag
Oh Maggi, thank you for reading. And thank you for your beautiful words. I would love to see you soon. I'm sorry I didn't get to see you last weekend, but we didn't head back up to Kentucky until fairly late. Love you!
DeleteLinds,
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad that you ripped those pages out and that Vince, knowing you so deeply and knowing what you needed, made a point to put it on the calendar to show it's significants. This makes my heart smile. And I know that this is a vicious cycle, but by praying over it every day and praying against Satan I know that we break the cycle. Like all good things in life, we just have to be INTENTIONAL about it. Intentional about praying against Satan, intentional about reassuring you and lifting you up and you to be intentional about pushing those thoughts away and ripping out those pages.
So proud of you sweet sister!
PS I love the name of your blog "Real or Not Real" but of course I do :)