Today I said three words to my husband that I never should have said. I said, "I hate myself." That was very, very bad.
Do I really hate myself? No. Do I think that saying that I hate myself might hurt my husband to hear? Yes. Did I say it because it was what I honestly, truly, wholly believe? No. Did I say it because I was emotional, and at twenty-six haven't yet learned how to deal with my bad emotions? Yes. I don't know how to deal with bad emotions. I shut down. I become a masochist.
Vince asked me, "Don't you think that's a problem? To hate yourself?" He's asked me that before, when I've told him that I don't like who I am. But something about the conversation today struck deep down inside me. It is a problem to feel this way. It's a big, big problem.
I think I write about how I feel so much, about my insecurities, because I think if I just pour it out enough it'll go away. It won't. This type of thing takes work. Vince has worked, and worked, and worked to help me, but it takes work from me. It takes a conscious effort on my part to say, "If any other person in the world came to me and told me they hated themselves, what would I say? How is that different than the way I feel about me?" (I can't take credit for that advice. It's all Vince. Vince tells me this a lot. Like I said, he has worked for me. And I haven't given him enough thanks, enough credit, for all that he does.)
I don't write this blog to get sympathy. Far from it. Sympathy will feed the beast that lives inside my head. I'm writing this because I want to see how ridiculous it is, in black and white, to say those words. I want to see the beast for what it truly is, nothing by paper and strings, so that I can start to get rid of it for good.
I am a human, and as such I have problems. But as a human, I have good things about me too.
It's okay to be wrong in a disagreement. It's also okay to be right. It's okay to say the wrong thing sometimes, or do the wrong thing, and it's okay to want to fix it, and to work on fixing it next time. It's okay to be imperfect, and it's okay to realize that your husband, or wife, or boyfriend, or girlfriend, or mom, or dad, or sister, or brother, or friend, loves you. It's okay to be loved, and to fully accept that love. It's okay to be human.
Linds, my dear, I'm sure you're tired of hearing it from me by now but I LOVE to read your blogs because through them I am seeing you grow and that is such a beautiful, beautiful thing!
ReplyDeleteHave you conquered this beast that lives within you and tears you down? No, but you know what they say, admitting it is the first step. And there are many steps that follow the initial one, but like you said you have to work at it! Everyday you have to slay the jabberwocky, but with each day, hopefully, it will get easier.
My favorite part of this blog in particular is when you said, "I don't write this blog to get sympathy...I'm writing this because I want to see how ridiculous it is, in black and white, to say those words." Because it is true. It is SO ridiculous! I wish that more people would write down their own "ridiculous" thoughts to see just how crazy they are on paper. And for that fact, if we, as humans, worked harder to think before speaking, we'd realize that most of what we say is ridiculous, untrue, or unnecessary.
I love you so much, and miss you terribly. But your blogs remind me of how sweet you are and why I love you so, so much. :)
Love,
Stace
You are lovely and good. You are a treasure.
ReplyDeleteLove you,
Vic
These are all things that will get better in time. Keep working hard.. you will have bad days-we all do, but you're on the right track and your life will continue to get better :)
ReplyDelete