I say that because I want to talk about finding a niche, finding a place, finding a spot in the pecking order, and I'm sure I'll say things I've said before. (See, I just excused the thing I'm about to do so that you can't get mad.)
This is my last full semester in school. After this, I never have to go back and pay for a class, do homework, stress about a paper not being written in time or well enough. All of that will be behind me. It's freeing to think about. And terrifying.
You might say
I'm beginning to feel the early stages of a quarter-life crisis coming on.
It's like I'm stuck between being a really big kid, and a really little grown up. In the course of a year I'll have gone from being a young woman in school to a slightly older married woman searching for a career-job to help support her family. No longer dependent on mom and dad. On her own two feet. Finding her own way instead of waiting for someone else to tell me where to step.
It's terrifying.
But, I can handle that. I can handle the terrifying. I can handle the unknown. I can handle the transition between childhood and adulthood, as far as responsibility goes. What I'm getting stuck on is finding my niche.
I know. That sounds silly. But I can't help it.
I'm an adult and still find myself watching other girls and thinking "If I was as tall as her, or if my hair was as long as hers, or if my hair was the color of hers, I'd be good to go." Or I look at other girls and think "If I had those jeans, that hat, that shirt, those shoes, that nose, that smile, that body shape, that laugh, that anything-other-than-what-I-have, things would be easier, better."
I talked in my last blog about needing self-love, and I stand by that. This isn't so much about not loving myself (though I will admit that's part of it), but more about not really knowing exactly who I am, or want to be, or should be, yet. That person that I am changes every day, and when I feel lost (such as when my whole life is about to change when school ends and life begins) I start to rely on these superficial things to give me a direction.
I compare myself to everybody. I compare their interests, talents, physical traits, behaviors, goals, blue jeans, everything to mine, and I consistently find mine lacking.
How do we find our niche?
How do we find our place?
How do we find out who we are?
Who we want to be?
Who we're supposed to be?
Your niche is where you are. There isn't a predetermined place already set aside for you. You are who you are who you are, and that's exactly who you're supposed to be.
Here's what you do: Don't make stupid decisions. Maybe you can't add inches to your height...but, if you want long hair, grow it. If you don't like it, cool - cut it. If you wish your hair was some other color, dye it. If you don't like it, cool - dye it some other color. Those kinds of things you can do and undo in a flash and there is no lasting harm. I've never seen an 80-year old lady with a horrible shade of red she dyed her hair with back when Moby Dick was a minnow and hair down to her knees lamenting the day she did those things with her hair. The hat, the shoes, the shirt - it's all the same thing. Those are the superficial choices we make and channel the bigger choices we must make into those things because it's easier to handle on that scale.
ReplyDeleteDon't rush into anything. Don't do anything that 10 years from now you may look back on and cringe. Don't do anything that makes you a target of judgment. Take your time in orienting yourself with a career, having time with just you and Vince and making that union stronger by the day, seek wisdom and be above reproach. The rest will fall into place and there will be no regrets. I promise.
Linds,
ReplyDeleteI totally feel where you are in this blog. Though I graduated more than two and a half years ago and after 18 months of working in food service I have found that job-career the process of growing up is still a scary one! Literally just last night I was joking with my mom that if her and my father could just make the important decisions for me I would be forever grateful. Growing up and making decisions that will change the course of your life is absolutely, 100% terrifying. But, it can also be exciting. We are free! We are free to become who we want to be, to do what we want to do, to share what we want to share and to be in fellowship with those we choose to be not just a group of peers we have "fallen" into. It's a beautiful thing (and scary!) haha I know I'm totally contradicting myself, but such is adulthood. You still want to be playful and silly, that big kid, but you also want to be responsible and self reliant. It's all about finding that balance.
And in response to how do you find your niche, how do we find our place, who we are, who we want to be, who we're supposed to be...the answer is simple. And it's being reaffirmed in my life daily. And I know you know the answer too. The answer is to clearly define ourselves with Christ. Live fully in Him, and from there we will find our niche, our place, who we are, who we aspire to be and who He wants us to be! Easier said than done? Absolutely. Because we are human and we are CONSTANTLY failing at this. But if we strive toward it and do our best He will be there to fill in the blanks when we are at a total loss.
I love you so much my dear sister! I appreciate your blogs, they really challenge me.
Love from,
Stace
Stace - To live full in Christ is exactly right. =] Thanks for always reading, and responding so eloquently. :) Love you!
ReplyDelete