A Series on Struggles: Comparison & Worthiness

Number Four:

Comparison & Worthiness

I've written about the idea of comparing myself to others a lot. I've written it into the ground, in fact. Yet, in spite of that, here I am writing about it again.

My current, and ongoing, struggle revolves around comparing myself to others and letting that comparison determine my worthiness or my self-worth.

This is vain, but my whole life I've dreamed of being beautiful. And I don't just mean nice-looking or pretty, but drop dead, make people stop and stare, heart-stoppingly beautiful. I don't know why I've always wanted to be that, but I have since I was a little girl. I know in large part it's due to the media and how people (both men and women) are asked to perceive themselves, but it's also due to the fact that I personally put value in looks. I'm not proud of this, but there it is. I feel like if I'm not beautiful like that, then I'm worth very little.

If you're my friend on Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, or Twitter, you know I post a lot of pictures of myself. You may even think I'm super vain and think I'm super full of myself because I post so many pictures of my face. In reality, I post those photos because I'm in a continual state of desperately seeking approval and affirmation. I take photo after photo until I find one I don't absolutely hate, then I edit it to remove any flaws that I can, then I post it and wait for someone to tell me that I am what I wish I was: beautiful.

Why don't I think I'm beautiful now? Because I'm constantly comparing the way I look to the way others look. I'm constantly comparing different features of my face, my hair, and my body to my friends, to celebrities, and to strangers and finding that I am lacking. I've learned to hide it better than I used to, and I even don't think about it as much as I used to (which was always), but it's still there, and I still do it.

I went on an amazing birthday trip (blog post to come soon) that my husband planned this past weekend. We did so many fun things and took so many pictures. And yet, when I looked at the pictures today, all I could think was, "I should have stayed behind the camera, because being in these photos nearly ruins them." I took photos of my brother and his girlfriend, and they both look so great. Then they took photos of my husband and me...My husband is so handsome, I feel like it's a shame that I had to ruin the other half of the picture with my face or my size (which is, again, ever-so-quickly increasing). I couldn't get past the fact that I looked bad in the pictures and just appreciate the fact that my amazing birthday surprise weekend was documented to look at later. All I can see is how the way I look really, really upsets me.

Generally I try to end these blog posts with something that turns the way I think around, and I want to do that now, but emotionally I'm in a place that just won't let me say the things I think I'm supposed to. So instead I'll end with this:

I don't like the way I look, and that makes me severely unhappy. I don't want to be vain; I don't want my self worth or my perceived worthiness to be based on the fact that I don't like the shape of my head, or the way face and hair and body look; I don't want to compare myself to the women around me and feel like crawling in a hole afterward; I don't want any of these things, but they're there. My solution? I don't know yet...I need to love myself for who I am, but I also need to learn to let go of this desire to be out of this world beautiful. I think I'll stay behind the camera for a while, instead of trying to get positive feedback by being in front of it. Maybe if I don't put my face out there, I won't have to feel less than worthy if I don't get the feedback I secretly want. Maybe I'll learn to appreciate the positive things about myself and forget about looks for a while. I know I'll never be beautiful like I want, and I have to learn to be OK with that.

Man Shall Not Live on Bread Alone

⁴But He answered and said, "It is written: `Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.'" - Matthew 4:4

We need milk, meat, protein. We need something that will sustain us after the carbs wear off. Something substantial.

In our short lives, people will come and go. Things will come and go. Ideas will come and go. We can't live on only these things. They aren't bad. On the contrary, many of these things are beautiful. But, to LIVE we need more. We need the long lasting protein. We need something that will sustain us. We need God, because while people, things, and ideas are fleeting, God is permanent. He is constant. He is perfect.

Now, here's the tricky part... Sometimes, in the search for God, for that sustenance that will last, we find someone else. Sometimes that person will work, unwittingly, to pull you for your search, and sometimes that person will be on a search of their own. Those two paths may converge, and when that happens you have someone to travel with. Someone who will seek God with you. And this is beautiful. The tricky part comes when you begin looking for that person MORE than you are looking for God.

It seems odd to me how easily I fall into that very pattern. On the one hand, I am aware of how much easier it is to go to, and rely on, someone who is tangibly there. It's comforting to be able to talk and have audible words spoken back. To reach out and grab onto someone and to feel them beneath your fingers. But I'm also aware that, no matter how wonderful that person is, if you're only looking to that person, if your eyes turn from God, then that glue that is holding you together will begin to crumble.

On the flip-side, God is ever faithful. Ever loving. Ever forgiving. He will never crumble or fall away. He is, in every sense of the word, perfect. And yet, despite the fact that He will NEVER fail us--despite the fact that He will ALWAYS love us--we don't always turn to Him first. More often than not, I turn away from that perfect, true, love when something more fast acting, something more immediately and sensorily available, is offered. Because God isn't tangible, and people are. Things are. We can feel him in our hearts. We can see him affecting our lives, and our world. We can even hear him, if we listen, in the words of the people around us. But we can't touch Him. We can't reach out with our hands, grab onto God, and feel Him hold us back.

That being said, God is beginning to teach me about this. If we make the conscious choice to turn to Him first, to rely on Him fully, to trust in Him, then suddenly life is that much better. When I give God the things I normally reserve for a person, something inside me shifts. It clicks and falls into place. It's a subtle thing. A small thing. Nothing huge and dramatic. Nothing that elicits that craved instantly gratifying feeling of "better." But it is infinitely more gratifying in the long run.

It's something that begins small, like a seed planted that grows slowly and steadily. It is a foundation that is laid carefully so that it will stand the test of time. It will be sturdy and strong. It will sustain. The other, the instant gratification, no matter how beautiful and good it is, will eventually disappear without a firm foundation beneath it. But this growing thing, this seed that God can plant, IS strong. Its roots go deep, and as long as you keep watering it, it will sustain you. It is much more substantial than bread.

Now, the coolest part about ALL of this, is that you don't have to just choose one or the other. Man shall not live on bread ALONE. What you do have to choose is where your priorities lie. You have to choose which of these is the most important to you. And while I can't know anyone's life but my own, I can say that if you put God first, if you keep your eyes trained on him, through the wonderful times, and the horrible ones, then things will be okay. Let Him fill you up, let Him sustain you, and experience how beautiful His love is, and everything else will fall into place.