It's All Relative

It doesn't happen all at once. The solution, that is. The problem, if you'll call it that with me, the problem is what lingers. It's festers and sneaks up on you like a maelstrom right when you're floating along, still, in the current. That's the tough part. That's when it's the hardest to deal with. The hardest for you to cope. But a friend of mine gave me some good advice recently. Problems are relative. They are important to me because I let them be important to me, and only I can make them big or small. Important or unimportant. Life altering or not. His advice was simple, and direct, and good. To not focus on this stuff, to instead focus on the Kingdom. So that's my goal. To focus on the Kingdom. To take my problems, my issues, my insecurities, my worries, and really realize that they're all relative. To really understand that I can change my outlook. And to really truly turn my focus, my eyes, to God instead of all of this.

Now, that's not to say that these problems, these issues, these whatevers, will magically disappear. That I won't still think about them, that they won't still bother me, but it's a process, you see. A process in which I'll have to work. I'll have to try. I'll probably still get angry, and cry, and laugh, and write these little notes to myself that I end up sharing with other people. But the process is, in its own way, what drives me to keep going. It drives me because I know that I'll be moving. Be learning. Be growing. I won't be sitting in a pool of stagnant water, waiting to disintegrate in my own wasted time and efforts, waiting for another maelstrom to form right beneath my feet. I'll be working. I'll be achieving, even when I fall backwards a little.

I wouldn't be where I am without my friends. I wouldn't be able to start on these paths, I wouldn't be able to move forward, I wouldn't be able to communicate all of these things. My friends encourage. My friends love. My friends force me to laugh when I don't want to, but I need to. What I mean to say is, I'm thankful for my friends. I'm thankful for the tough lessons, for the jokes. For the talks and the music. For the ones I miss and the ones I see. For all of it. So, see? My problems can't be huge problems, not with people like that in my life. It's all relative. Sometimes you just have to take a few steps away from yourself to see it. And if you can't do that, have a friend do it for you.

The Greatest of These

People will break your heart. They may not mean to, but even if they do, you can't let it break you.

My heart has been broken so many times i my short life. Boys have broken it, friends have broken it, family has broken it. In half of these instances the people didn't even now they'd done it.

My heart is broken easily, but it isn't fragile. The Lord has encased it in armor. But it breaks easily. I love easily. I give my heart away easily. Almost to a fault. Up until fairly recently I've considered this a flaw. A character defect. I thought this until the last time it was broken, and a great friend of mine brought something into the light for me.

The last time my heart broke it was because of a boy. I kept telling myself that if I'd guarded my heart it never would have happened the way it did. if only I'd never let my heart out of it's box, kept it secure, kept it from following the course it wanted to be on. But I didn't do these things, and it broke, and because my friend loved me enough to be honest with me he said something that made everything different. He told me that my open heart was a beautiful thing, but that didn't mean it was an easy thing. Those few words cut through that foggy pain and pierced something inside me.

To love without fear is such a wonderful thing. Such a dangerous thing. To love for the sake of loving is to be free. To be uninhibited by pretenses. To be able to receive love freely. To risk being hurt badly.

I can handle all the hurts, all the broken pieces of my hurt, if only I can love. Because my God has called me, is calling me, will call me to always love. He created my heart to love. He created my heart to be loved. And when that heart breaks, because people will break it again and again, He has, He does, and He will pick up the pieces and put them back together again, only better than before.

Mistakes, Relationships, Faith, & Life

I was talking with a friend of mine the other day and it really got me thinking. We talked about mistakes, relationships, faith, and life and it made me realize that maybe I wasn't as alone in my ways of thinking, in my beliefs, as I thought.

First of all, everyone makes mistakes. Some mistakes are bigger than others, and some have a greater impact on our lives, but no one is mistake free. We all do things or say things that we regret or that hurt someone else. But the thing I really realized during that talk was that those mistakes aren't the end of something. They're the beginning. From those moments we learn and if we have the right mindset we grow. If it weren't for all the many mistakes I've made in my life I wouldn't be the person I am right here and now. And ya know, for the first time in maybe my whole life, I like that person.

Now, I've made my fair share of mistakes. I've put myself in long term situations that I shouldn't have been in. I've done things that even at the time I knew were wrong. I've hurt people with my words. I've done things out of spite. I've remained stagnant even when I knew I should move. And while a part of me wishes I could go back and change all of those things, fix them or make them right, another part of me realizes that, even while it hurt, those things helped shape me. That isn't to say I'm glad I hurt any one. Those things I've done that caused someone else pain, I pray that I rectified them in some way. But for me, I know I've grown. I've changed. I've evolved into the woman that I am and that is pretty cool.

I won't say that any of my relationships have been mistakes. I have really great memories from each and every one of them. And luckily, a few of them have yielded some pretty great friendships. But I will say that those relationships were not the right relationship for me. None of those boys were the man that God has for me. And while I really wanted one or two of them to be, I'm thankful that since they weren't 'right' God caused our paths to split. He took what wasn't meant to be and fixed it. Just like in all my mistakes, He took them and changed them and molded them so that they were right. Which brings me to my next thought...

Faith. When I was 22 years old I was living with a boy who I had been with for four years. (This was one of those mistakes.) I was crazy about him, and at the same time I really despised myself for living with someone out of wedlock, and for being in a relationship that I knew wasn't healthy. I was 22 and after four years I finally broke down. I cried out to the Lord and asked Him to either fix the relationship or take it away. I put it in His hands, and released it from my own. That night, that boy called me and said, "I think we need to move home." Within a week I was living with my parents again. Two weeks after that, the boy and I had broken up. Now, it hurts me a little that he and I aren't friends now, three years later, but I will forever be thankful that my Lord rescued me when I put my faith in Him.

About a month ago, I was in a relationship with a boy who was my very best friend. We were great at being friends. We just weren't great at being together. I was driving to his house after babysitting one afternoon and it hit me that maybe we weren't as happy as I was pretending. So again I cried out to the Lord, and asked that if that relationship weren't the right one, that He would take it away, and if it was that He would bless it. Two days later that boy broke up with me, and it was one of the hardest moments I can remember going through. But now, just a month or so later, I have never been so happy. I put my faith in Him, and not only did He do what He knew was best, but He gave me joy and peace afterward, and He gave me that boy as a friend so very soon after.

What I'm trying to say, and taking a long time to say it is, we all make mistakes. We all mess up. But when we give those things to God, and remove our hands from them completely, He will take that mistake and turn it around. He will teach us from it. He will help us grow from it. No matter what it is. That's life. And if that's the case, then life is good.

The Lord is my Shepherd

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He makes me look toward the sky and seek His face when my heart fails. When my body fails. When my hope fails. He is there, ever waiting, ever watching, ever listening, wanting me to cry to him. To go to him. To rely on him. My God is my Love. My God is my Hope. My God is my Rock. He pushes me. He pulls me. He guides me and leads me. He picks me up when I fall. He challenges me. He holds my hand when my world crumbles apart like breadcrumbs.

I am on a tight rope. Teetering. Tottering. Always about to fall. And when tears cloud my eyes, when it’s like I have cotton stuck in my ears, He is there to wipe my face, He is there to help me hear. To help me see. To help me feel. On the tightrope I am always tensed, ready to brace for impact, ready to hit the ground, the mud, ready to hurt. But my God, my Father, my Lord catches me. If I push Him away and I do fall, He picks me back up again. He kisses my bruises and mends my broken bones. He washes away the filth and gives me new eyes to see with, new ears to hear. He gives me new words to speak, and new hopes to have. He gives me new hope. He gives me new hope. He gives me love when I think there is none. He shows me love where I was blind to it before. He heals me from love lost. He heals me. He holds me. He helps me.

I am wandering in a big empty field, where all the paths are overgrown. The field is rocky and full of holes. The grass waves in the wind, too high to see all the snares. It’s beautiful and deadly. My Father clears the path I should take and places me on it. My God walks beside me, or in front of me to guide, or carries me when my feet won’t keep going. Can’t keep going. My Father holds me when I cry. My Father smiles and laughs and dances with me. My Father never leaves my side.

I am weak. I am poor. I am scarred and beaten. And my Father loves me. My Father holds my hand as I grow, as the growing pains stretch me. My Father kisses my scars as they stretch and burn. My Father lets me make mistakes, and is always there to pick up the pieces of me I leave behind.

Without Him, I am nothing but a broken girl in a world determined to eat me alive. With Him, I am a broken girl being made whole. A girl learning. A girl living. A girl loving. A girl taking each and every step into the unknown with the Faith that He will guide me until the end.

The Girl

When the girl was alone and all her hope was gone she turned her eyes to the sky and screamed. She screamed her hurt. She screamed her pain. She screamed until her face was wet with sweat and tears and her muscles trembled likes leaves in the wind.

She screamed out to God – a single long wail like the howl of a wolf. She felt like she was dying. In that scream she begged God to help her. To save her. To fix her. She begged Him to show her how to live again.

She looked up into the sky with a throat raw like tenderized meat and saw a cloud lined in golden light. It hurt to look at, but she didn’t look away. The cloud was moving slowly and she knew that if she kept looking at that spot the sun would be uncovered and it would blind her.

At the last moment she closed her eyes and felt the sun’s heat on her face. She felt the wind on her skin. She felt the tiny drops of moisture drip off her chin and over her lips. She felt everything.

Her heart pounded in her chest, in her throat, in her fingers and the soles of her feet. Her pain was like a burn over every inch of her skin.

With her closed eyes toward the sky she fell to her knees and clutched her hands to her stomach. She pressed her fists into her belly and sobbed, water on the grass soaked into her jeans.

“Lord,” she cried, her voice cracking, “Father. Help me. I need you. I need you. I need you.”

She cried out to the Lord, then cried into her hands, her tears leaking through and dripping onto the grass like gentle rain.

I am always here, said the Lord. I am here with you every time you smile. I am here with you every time you cry. Every breath. Every heart beat. Every hurt. I am always here with you.

“If you’re here then why does this have to happen?” She pressed her fists into her eyes until it hurt. “Why do I have to go through this?”

I know you’re hurting. I know you’re hurting. But I have a plan for you. I have a path for you. Fix your eyes on Me. I am always here. I am always here.

As if a blanket were placed over her shoulders the pain in her body was soothed. The pain in her heart dimmed.

“I trust you, Father.” She pulled her hands away from her eyes and let them adjust to the light. She sat again with her face toward the sky and let the sun dry her tears. She stood with damp knees. She stood into the evening with hope once again in her heart.

Erosion

The title of my blog is Everything Happens for a Reason, and right now I am having a bit of trouble believing that myself. I was with someone for just over a year and yesterday that all ended abruptly. It didn't end with a fight or anything, it just ended. It was one of the hardest things I've had to go through yet, and the wound is still so fresh it's still bleeding. I feel like my arm has been ripped off and I don't yet know how to cope without it.

I guess I'm still in shock. Like when a person is seriously injured they don't react to things normally. Everything is kind of hazy and weird, not quite right. That's how I feel right now. I feel like any second I'm going to wake up and realize that this was all just a surreal horrible dream. But I know it's not. I know, deep down, that this is life. This is reality. This is the situation that I have to walk in for a while. But the thing is, every step hurts a little more than the last. Maybe it's just really sinking in now.

When I woke up this morning I felt dizzy. My heart was racing. My fingers were tingly. And then it hit me. All over again, yesterday hit me, and I didn't want to get out of my bed. I wanted to lay there all day and sulk and wallow in my unhappiness. But I didn't. I got up. Took a shower. Got ready. And went to work. I made myself move. Moving helps, I think. But once you're still again, like I am now, it all hits you again. Like waves on a shore. I keep thinking that each wave is going to wear the pain down, like the shoreline eroding, and eventually I won't feel it anymore. I know that over time it will get better, but it just happened yesterday, and the pain is still raw. Each time the wave hits it's like sandpaper all over my body. I feel shaky and unsteady on my feet. I feel like crying. I feel like screaming. I feel like I just want to go home.

This all may be melodramatic, but in this moment it's true for me.

I know that my God has it all in His hands, though. I know that He has a plan for me, that even though right now I am in tremendous pain and uncertainty, He has a purpose for it all. And to be honest, I'm having to FORCE myself to believe that right now. I'm having to FORCE myself not to crumble and fall and give up. My God is with me. My God loves me. My God will protect me, no matter what. Even now, when I feel broken and lost, I know that He is there. I know that He is always there.

Nostalgia

It's so easy to look back on the great times in our lives and think, "if only I could go back to that day for a little while." I was looking through some old pictures today. Pictures taken two or three years ago during a time in my life when I needed friends more than anything, and God provided me with some of the best friends I've ever had. It's so easy for me to think back on those times and want to be back there.

But then I think about all I have now. I think about how wonderful my life is right now, and all the amazing things I have to look forward to. When I focus on those things, it's like I can't wait to get to THOSE moments, the ones that may or may not happen.

Why can't we, the human population, enjoy what we have now? Why do we always look backwards or forwards? I am trying to make it my mission to TRY and appreciate all the blessings I have right now. My God. My family. My boyfriend. My friends. My school. My teachers. There's so much more... so much in my life RIGHT now that I should be appreciate of, should be thankful for.

I feel lucky to have so many beautiful memories to look back on, and so many exciting things to look forward to. But mostly, I'm thankful for today, and for the wonderful people in my life.